Because You're Different ✔

55. Stains [Part 1]

Nathan

"Albert asked me to go to San Francisco with him."

Her hand flew to her chest, wide eyes staring up at me. A flash of guilt rippled through me, and I had to fight to keep myself from running my hands through my hair, or what was left of it. She liked it short like this, she'd said. It'd turned me into a man, she'd said. I hadn't known a haircut could do that. She put down her glass of wine, the white one I'd picked out to go with the meal I'd been planning to cook.

"San Francisco?" Charlotte asked, lightly shaking her head, lips slightly parted. "What do you mean, Nathan? On a business trip?"

By the worried frown on her face, I could see she'd already understood that wasn't it. I leaned backward in the chair, rubbing the back of my neck. The coffee table was littered with half-empty cartons from her favorite Vietnamese place, the biggest one filled with sauce stained napkins. I'd bought the ingredients for fabada something, a Spanish bean stew, but then I'd realized it'd be shitty to make her think this was some kind of romantic evening, while in fact, it was probably going to end in a fight. I'd ordered take-out instead.

"No. Not on a business trip. For longer."

She was staring at me, fingers playing with her golden rings. Mouth open, mouth closed. "But you didn't say 'yes', did you?" Her eyes were large, fixed on me. "Tell me you didn't say 'yes'."

More guilt rushed through me. Oh shit, I was such an ass... I planted my elbows on my knees, burying my face in my hands. Look at her, Nathan. That was the least I could do. I did, swallowing hard. "I said 'yes'."

No reaction. She just sat there, motionless, no indication of what was going on in her mind. I wished I hadn't eaten this much, because nausea was taking me over, and I was afraid I might throw up all of the spring rolls, along with the lousy person I was. I didn't know what to do.

"He's arranged an interview for me at the law firm of an old friend of his. I'd go back to doing family law, like during my internship. Will be very different from what I'm doing here all day."

I'd said too much. I hadn't meant to sound excited, but I was sure I had, even though I'd practiced telling her in front of the mirror today.

"You decided," she said. "You decided without me."

Yeah, I did. Another thing I'd done wrong, now that I thought about it. I should've told her I was considering it earlier, let her get used to the idea slowly. It'd have been better than throwing it in her face without warning. "I'm sorry," I said, too quickly. "I'm sorry, I... didn't mean to. It's just... I miss California. I've been missing it since the day we boarded that plane last June." June. Two Junes I wanted to go back to, one a girl, the other a time when I'd still been content with my life.

"So, that's it. You're giving up." It came out in a high tone, and I saw her blinking rapidly, something I wasn't used to at all from her. "You're letting them chase you away. Do you know what people are going to say, Nathan? Have you thought about that? You're letting them win."

I'd been expecting something like that. It was only logical, and I couldn't blame her for it. "It's not about them. It's about home. I just want to go home."

It'd dawned on me the minute Albert had posed the question. Turned out, I wasn't the great adventurer I'd always thought I was when Lena and I had been making plans to leave California and drive from state to state, maybe even visiting Canada or Mexico. Dreams about immigrating to Europe, or New Zealand — they'd been hers, not mine. Grandma had known me better at age fifteen than I knew myself even now.

London was a fantastic city, but I was never going to be anything more than a tourist here.

I'd never expected myself to say this, but I missed Palo Alto.