Because You're Different ✔

34. Heartbeat

June

People had always stared at me.

I didn't know when I first noticed it. It felt like it'd always been that way. Usually, I ignored them, just going on my way. I mean, it wasn't like I sometimes accidentally found my eyes scanning an unusual person — it happened, it was human nature. Assess situations. Survival skills.

It was the people that kept gaping at me even after I'd let them know I noticed who I detested. If I were in a good mood, I'd fake smile at them. If it were the sort of day on which it was like everyone was whispering about me, I'd glare. The first method was usually more successful.

Once, Valentina had called out a good-looking boy for watching me. "I was only checking her out, I think she's cute! I didn't even know she was disabled, sorry!" That moment had me wonder if I'd ever sent an angry look at someone who just thought I was pretty. How was I supposed to know the difference?

But I was starting to realize I should assume it was usually the less likable reason.

Special needs girl.

This was how people saw me. Someone to be pitied. Someone that wasn't normal enough to just be described as a girl. Someone who people only hung out with because she was a poor, unfortunate thing — not because they were her friends and liked her.

I used to ask myself what was going on in the minds of people who kept talking to me like I was a four-year-old, even after I explicitly told them I was quite capable and I wanted to be treated like they treated others. It was like a switch went on when they spotted someone different, and they couldn't turn it off.

What did Sam think of me? And Hayley?

And Nathan?

If they talked about me to someone else, did they mention my disability?

No, they wouldn't, not if it wasn't necessary.

Charlotte might. Pretty, rich, white girl. I had every right to tell her to fuck off. She'd send me a long apology message, though, so I also needed to forgive her. If I'd chuck everyone out of my life that had once offended me in some way, I would end up having almost nobody left. And Hayley was the living example of someone who'd learned and changed for the better.

Nathan had called various people from the school, and I immediately knew he did a better job than I could've ever done. Lawyer skills. Five hours later, the video was taken down. But the damage had already been done.

I avoided looking at myself in recordings — that wasn't the way I moved, surely, and that was certainly not my voice. That wasn't me. It hurt seeing it, because it was me, and it was how others saw me.

Awww, look how inspiring! Cute sophomores take this special needs girl to Valentine's Day Dance!! <3

The text was permanently pasted into my vision, as if I was wearing glasses that had the words inscribed in them. My stomach was constantly moving, up and down — I'd puked earlier today, making sure nobody would find out. I didn't want any more pity.

It was now one am, and I was sitting on the couch, alone in the dark, listening to this song Nathan had texted me earlier, on repeat. I was probably ruining my ears, my headphone volume was turned up way too high. I couldn't care less, at the moment. This was what I needed.

My phone vibrated. Dazedly, I checked it.

Nathan: Heads up. I'm coming into the room.

What? I looked up, seeing him stand in the doorway, phone in hand. I smiled, taking off my headphones. Immediately, the world came crashing down on me — even the soft buzzing in my ears couldn't block the terrifying idea that I existed and that that video did as well. "Thanks," I said, my voice hoarse.