Don't lose me

𝐂𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐫

"My dad was into drug dealing, when he had went to jail you know my moms and.. that led to going into homeless shelters or me and my family. That's how we ended up in there."

"How old were you?" I ask folding my legs as a sign that the conversation was getting deeper.

"I was only a kid.. like thirteen or fourteen.. by the time i was going on fifteen i was out the shelter but you know those two three years was just crazy. You know being homeless...you know so it was a lot. Two and a half years going on three years yeah..That's why im so humble because i know what it's like to not have any of it. I know what it's like to be at home watching bow wow on 106 and park," He laughs making me laugh, "to not .. to not actually watch yourself get interviewed by Bow Wow on 106 & park. I used to watch him on there as a kid. I know the difference, I know what it's like to not have—i'm a chill person i mean i be chilling it's not really about the fame and all that that's a plus. The money, i mean.. the money's good."

"Right," I nod.

"The fact that i'm actually talented in music and to inspire is what really gets me going. See my brother, when we was kids helped me out to where and who i am today. He was making beats and i was just rapping for fun saying random outta the blue shit but it rhymed though and he didn't laugh at me or none of that, he was just like 'keep going' and I kept going even after him, my pops, and my sister passed away."

"Babe.. I feel so bad for bringing all this up," I say putting my hand on his hand.

"It's alright, you wanted to know so i'm telling you. No harm in that," He says rubbing my hand with his thumb, "But yeah my brother passed away from gun violence, my sister overdosed in 2017, and Yams you know had overdosed from my last album before that.." He explains as his head drops a little.

"I hear you, I definitely hear you.. three years ago I lost four of my cousins from gang violence.They were involved with some gang members and got into an altercation with them and ended up shot to death at a bodgea,which was actually the night of my birthday. I never like to talk about it—actually i haven't talked about it since that night because I always get a little emotional," I half smile before he wipes an incoming tear.

"You alright?" He asks looking into my eyes.

"Yeah yeah," I nod continuously, "But uhm," I sat before wiping my nose, "The bodega was only like a block away from where I lived at the time in the bronx and as soon as we heard guns shots I knew like something was off. I felt it in my gut something was wrong. Like I knew in my heart it was them. That night, I had went outside after hearing the gunshots and heard all the commotion and people were yelling and crying and I didn't even react like I was stuck. I was stuck. I couldn't find the words to speak up or say anything to anyone I was like completely out of it."

"I feel you. Everybody reacts in their own way, for me it's like I don't wanna be around anybody. Just wanna grief in peace and be alone. But you know I heard about that too, I was performing when it happened and I had stopped mid show when I got word of the incident cause I got family everywhere around here. I had to you know make sure every body was alright you know? But it's crazy that it was your family."

"Lemme tell you gun violence, gang violence all of that just fucking sucks. You know that's kind of the reason why i'm so protective over myself and who I involve myself with, because everybody and they moms associate rappers with guns and violence and when you and I met i didn't know if i was going to get myself involved with a person like that."

"Nah, I get it. I don't like all the violence either. I'm a very calm person," He smiles making me smile, "But i'm sorry for that night especially when it happened on your birthday."

"Yeah I m—," I start to say before he cuts me off mid sentence.

"Wait—My fault, but was one of your cousins Johnny Morel?" He asks.

"Yeah yeah.. you knew him?" I smile.

"I met Johnny through Yams, Johnny used to come to my apartment and just vibe with us. We would make corny ass raps and just vibe," He laughs making me laugh, "That's crazy that he was ya cousin."

"Yeah.. imagine if we would've met through him.." I laugh, "This would be a totally different situation."

"You know what's even crazier though Babe? He tried to put me onto you and I was like 'nah she a youngin,' she too young," He laughs as i hit him playfully while laughing.

"Babe I was grown!" I say making him laugh.

"You was like sixteen going on seventeen still in high school.." He laughs.

"You're only four years older than me," I laugh.

"Which would've made it illegal because i was like twenty going on twenty one," He laughs making me laugh.

Honestly, if you ask me..things between us are growing.

Feelings are growing.

The comfort we give each other are growing.

The bond is growing in general.

Just weeks ago we were strangers. I just knew him as 'Asap Rocky, the rapper from harlem' and now he's become way more than that.

This was the first time in years I've talked about my older cousins and the incident behind it. Ii've never once spoke it aloud but it felt good that it had escaped my lips. It felt relieving to talk about it with someone who can genuinely relate to it and who understands where I come from.

"But yeah, ya mans Johnny was a good person. I looked up to him. He was always in a good mood for no reason, every time I seen him he was always in a good mood," He says making me smile.

"Yeah, and he knew how to make people laugh without actually doing anything funny," He adds, "That nigga was born a comedian," He laughs making me laugh.

"That's him," I laugh, "I miss him so much," I sigh.

"Me too," He says putting his arm around me, "He was one of the realest g's out there."

Talking to Rakim feels like i'm talking to an old friend. A friend that's known me all my life. It felt like we were just crossing paths again and making up from the time being lost.

I loved this feeling lately. It made me feel like i was falling in love.