Locker 17

Chapter 132

What happens if he's like other people, judge mental, cold hearted, maybe even homophobic. I grew up in such a screwed up society that makes me question if all are the same. The only one that knows about me being what I am is Scott and he's gone, but even he spent his time trying to turn me around and become someone whom I was not. What else can I expect now? Perhaps for the worst, and losing a friend? Or maybe the start of a new friendship. That's the start isn't it?

"Tell me about yourself, and why you've been avoiding the topic?" he says, after coming to a stop at the tables outside the small lounge. Without saying another word, he sits down, pointing to the chair in front of him for me to sit on.

"Um," I say while pulling the chair back to sit down, "it's, it's complicated." The confused look on his face clearly shows he's oblivious, of course.

"You're not going to take that for an answer, are you?" I say, sighing. He shakes his head, raising his brow, waiting for me to continue on.

Looking around, taking deep breaths, I finally turn to face him, putting my hands on the table, my hand clasping my other. With a deep gulp, I raise my voice, and let my chest lower. "Luke, your life, by the way you describe it, has been literally perfect. There's not a negative thing that you have said while telling me about yourself. Look, I don't know how to phrase this but I'll do the best I can," my voice lowers as I come to the end of my sentence. My heart quickly starts to accelerate, hearing every beat against my chest as a prepare myself to tell him what I can, or what he can bear to hear. His facial expression quickly changes from this confused look, to this look of somberness.

"I've been to hell and back. My life has consisted of things that you would never imagine an eighteen year old could ever go through. There are things that I keep from people so they won't look at me differently, because as soon as I do, they treat me different. Other times I keep it from them because I don't want to revisit whatever it is I'm reminiscing. Everything that has happened in my life has ended up screwing with me, no matter what the time. It's as if I have this curse of some sort that keeps me from being happy. I'm in this labyrinth of no escape, I'm trapped and there's now way to get out because there's no light leading me to freedom. It's such a dark place, one filled with terror at every corner, memories that will haunt me forever, things that tease me. The teasing is too much and temptation wins, but when I go to follow whatever it is that's teasing me, I feel like I fall further back. With every step I take, no matter what direction, it's like I'm taking three steps back, making that thing that I'm following unattainable..." When I look up to face Luke, his eyebrows are knitted, lips parted and eyes wide as can be. His reaction is clearly not a shock, his words might be.

No sounds nor words escape from my lips in the time it takes him to respond to my words. He blinks twice, mouth open without words coming out from it. He's trying to say something, but he obviously doesn't know what to say exactly.

Scooting my chair back, I stand up off the chair, "I knew you wouldn't understand," my voice doing it's best to remain strong without cracking, "no one ever does," I whisper under my breath as I start to walk away.

"So what if I can't relate to you, or don't understand what you're saying, that won't stop me from at least trying?" he calls out. "Anyone can try to see what it's like to be in another person's shoes." His words leave me with no other option than to go back and resume what I was doing.

Following taking a seat, he speaks again, this time in a slightly different tone. "I may not be anything like you or come from a similar background, what I do know is that your life hasn't all been hell. Dig deep, I know there's something good that has happened in your life, you and I both know that."

As much as hate to admit it to him, he's right.

"Yeah there was, there were good times, happy ones," I begin, my fingers intertwined with my others, "those happy times, full of joy and everything I could ever ask for, didn't last long. So yeah, there are positive times that are scattered throughout my life, but in the end it's all been taken away from me. Everything, everyone, I ever loved," my voice cracks," it's all been taken away from it, it always is. Whether it be them or it finding something better out there, to losing them, it's all just been the same. Because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, everything that ever meant something to me, even the best thing that ever happened to me, is lost and I'm never getting it back."