Empty || Jihancheol

White Lights

Panicked voices echoed around the Hospital waiting room, but Seungcheol had drowned them out a long time ago. He paced back and forth, biting his nails, waiting to hear something.

Jeonghan started having a seizure right after the ambulance reached the hospital, and the doctors had to put him in a medically-induced coma. They haven't told Seungcheol anything since then; it doesn't help that most of the people here don't speak any Korean and none of the boys speak fluent Japanese.

Chan and Seungkwan were still crying hysterically, Hansol and Mingyu were comforting them, and everybody else was just silent. Numb.

Seungcheol paced back and forth, all he could think about was how this was his fault. He'd known about the diet pills since yesterday and he didn't say anything. The guilt took the form of a 200 pound pit that sat in his stomach. He desperately tried to keep it together for the sake of the group, but it was growing more difficult with each passing minute.

"Seungcheol, Seungcheol!" Jisoo stood in front of him, waving his hand in front of his hyung's face to get his attention, "You ok?"

Seungcheol took a deep breath, "No, Joshua, I am not ok," he began, ignoring the surprised look on Jisoo's face upon hearing his English name, "I am not ok at all; because my boyfriend could be flatlining and I'd have no idea, because I knew about this and I didn't do enough to help him, because he has been nothing but a lovely, wonderful boyfriend to me and I had to go and kiss his best friend!" Seungcheol murmured the last part through gritted teeth, "I love him," He continued, his vision became blurry, he looked at the ground. He wasn't gonna cry again, not like this. Seungcheol tried not to let his voice break as he spoke "I can't lose him..." he whispered, looking back up at Jisoo through tear filled eyes.

Jisoo took a step toward him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him closer to him, "It'll be ok, Seungcheol," he whispered comfortingly.

I guess you could say that's when Seungcheol had a 'mental breakdown', at least that's what everyone keeps calling it.

He shoved Jisoo away, "NO! IT'S NOT GONNA BE OK! STOP SAYING THAT!" He yelled, losing any sliver of dignity or self restraint that he had; he didn't care anymore, "THIS-T-T-THIS IS NOT OK! NOTHING ABOUT THIS I-I-I-IS OK! HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?! I SHOULD'VE DONE SOMETHING! WHAT IF-WH-WHAT IF HE...OH I-I-I CAN'T FUCKING DO THIS! ITS OUR FAULT, ITS OUR FAULT!" Seungcheol's throat ached from the screaming, his voice had gone hoarse. He hauled off and kicked a nearby chair, which was thankfully nailed to the floor, but the momentum caused his knees to buckle under him, sending him to the ground.

Seungcheol didn't even try to get up, he didn't care anymore; his whole body ached from the stress and the pain, now that the exhaustion had set in. It felt like all of the emotions he had bottled up from the past two weeks just blew up in his face. Tears poured out of his eyes like a damn faucet, burning hot against the cold skin of his cheeks. A deep, soul-crushing ache spread through his chest; sucking any ounce of happiness out of his body.

'I was sitting on the hospital waiting room floor, and I just started bawling my eyes out and I couldn't stop. Imagine this:Seventeen's strong leader, crying on the floor like a baby; how pathetic.'

He pulled his knees up to his chest, looking up at Jisoo, despite his vision being completely blurred with tears, "What if he dies?" He shakily whispered between sobs.

"That's not gonna happen and you know it," Jisoo said sharply, he sat down next to him, he wrapped his arms around Seungcheol tightly; Seungcheol let him. He buried his head into Jisoo's chest and cried into his sweater, weakly wrapping his arms around his waist for some purchase, "You're right, it is our fault," Jisoo cooed.

"That's not very comforting, Hyung," Seungkwan pointed out in a confused mumble as he crouched down next to them.

"N-no, it's*hic* okay, It's t-true*hic*," Seungcheol choked out, trying to free himself from Jisoo's grasp, but Jisoo just clung to him tighter, "I-I'm sorry," Seungcheol whimpered, digging his face into the younger's shoulder.

"Shh-Seungcheol-shh, just please stop crying, ok? Just-j-just-it's ok-alright.." Jisoo whispered in Seungcheol's ear, "It is our fault, but beating ourselves up over it isn't going to help anyone."

After an uncomfortably long amount of time, Seungheol had sufficiently calmed down and he tried to get Jisoo to let him go (which by the way, took quite some effort). The two both slowly stood up, "I think it'd be better if I just go outside, get some air..." He mumbled, rubbing his eyes.

"What?! No no no, it's ok. We don't want you to leave," Seungkwan argued, running over to him, "you should stay."

"I think it's best if I excuse myself. I need to, y'know, pull myself together," Seungcheol explained as he walked towards the automatic double doors labeled 'exit'.

The harsh, evening air hit him like a smack in the face when he walked outside of the hospital; he could see his breath in front of him. Seungcheol kept walking and turned at the first corner, leaning up against the cold, exterior of the hospital building. He closed his eyes for several moments, desperately trying to pull himself together and not cry again. He was humiliated, he couldn't believe he threw a temper tantrum like that. He didn't know what came over him.

He looked up again and observed his surroundings; there was a small convenience store across the street that appeared to be open. He crossed the street, entering the store.

The place was empty, except for the older gentleman standing behind the counter. Seungcheol approached him, pulling out his wallet and flashing his ID, "Can I get one pack of Mevius, please?" He asked in his shitty, broken Japanese. He grabbed a lighter off of the counter and handed it to him, "This too."

"That's 855 Yen," the man said, sticking his hand out as Seungcheol handed him the money.

The man handed him the lighter and cigarettes and sent him on his way.

After Seungcheol left the convenience store, he went back to the spot outside of the hospital building, leaning against the cold bricks. He took the lighter and the Mevius box out of his jacket pocket, ripping the box open and pulling out a cigarette, sticking it in his mouth and lit the other end, taking a puff...

and he immediately start coughing his guts out.

"Cmon Seungcheol, act like you've been there before," he said to himself out loud.

'Truth is, I haven't smoked since I was in high school, it was always a good stress reliever though.'

He took another puff and tried his hardest not to cough; the smoke filled his lungs, spreading warmth through his body from the inside. It was the same comforting, addictive feeling as when he kissed Jeonghan for the first time..

..and when he kissed Jisoo last night.