Accept Me As I Am

Chapter 1

Shanelle self-consciously crossed her arms around herself as tears pricked the back of her eyes as Roderick continued to belittle her.

"Tell you what, when you start dropping some of this extra weight, I'll consider having sex with you. Sound good? Go put some clothes on. You're making yourself look bad and making me sick."

"Why-"

"Why nothing, Shanelle. You know you're too damn big to be wearing shit like that," Roderick criticized as he motioned to the black, sheer teddy once again. "Just because they make skimpy lingerie in your size don't mean you should buy it. How many times do we need to go over this?"

Shanelle stared at her supposed boyfriend with tears in her eyes, too stunned to say much of anything. The things coming out of Roderick's mouth were beyond hurtful. They were disrespectful and downright hateful.

As tears began to fall down Shanelle's face, Roderick threw his hands up in the air in disbelief. "So now you gon' cry? Well go ahead and cry. If you cry long enough you'll see I'm right and take this crap back to where you got it from and get your money back. I'm looking out for you, babe."

As Shanelle's tears began to slowly fall down her rounded cheeks, Roderick walked over to her and tried to wrap his arms around her waist but she shrank away from his touch, not wanting him anywhere near her after the things he'd said.

"Don't touch me," she whispered tightly as she swiped at her tears.

Roderick dropped his hands at his side and let out an impatient breath. "Baby, you know I only want to help you. Try eating a salad for a change and stop stuffing your damn face all the time. Nobody wants to be with a sloppy out of shape woman. I want to see more shape than flab. When you can walk without your ass shaking like Jell-O, maybe I'll be in the mood to be with you intimately. Shan, you really need to get your body in gear. I'm not your friend, I'm your man and I won't tell you what you want to hear. I'll leave that to your friends. You'll see I'm right in the long run, alright?"

Shanelle didn't say anything in response, she just let her pain filled tears continue to fall. Roderick just shrugged and leaned down and placed a chaste kiss onto her tear stained face before walking out of the bedroom mumbling that he loved her and would see her later.

Roderick didn't care how he made Shanelle feel. The way he saw it, if he made her feel bad enough about herself she'd actually do something about her weight and stop pretending that her body was every man's desire because it simply turned him off. Until that day happened he was going to continue to say the things he said and refused to feel bad when he said them.

Shanelle let out a weary sob as she grabbed her robe off the back of her computer desk chair and pulled it on, tying the belt tightly around herself before she went and laid in bed as her tears continued to roll down her face.

"Why can't he just love and accept me for me?" she cried aloud as her tears fell onto her pillow for the thousandth time. "I can't do this too much longer, I just can't."

She didn't understand how one minute he was hugging and kissing her and telling her he loved her more than anything in the world but then with the same breath he was putting her down and causing her pain.

Why did he always do things like that to her? Wasn't he supposed to love and care for her, not put her down every chance he got? Wasn't that one of the things he promised her he'd never do? Those were the questions she found herself asking aloud every night when she lay in bed alone. She'd done nothing to deserve it.

"God, please help me through this. I need you more than ever," she cried softly, with her tears streaming steadily down her face.

After crying until no tears would come, Shanelle pulled her comforter over herself as she tried to forget the horrible things that had just come out of Roderick's mouth moments before. Just the thought of some of the things he said had her heart aching. She just closed her tired eyes and within minutes she was sound asleep.