just a dream (camren)

fifty five

"I said I'd tell them. I meant it." Lauren replies, and while Camila is still a little surprised by that whole thing, she's not going to try and get Lauren to change her mind. No, this is what she's always wanted, to be the one Lauren was open and proud with. "I'm yours and I'm proud to be yours."

See? Camila tells herself, pushing those horrible worries and doubts down. It's not the same as it used to be. She's yours, and that's that. "Well, I never thought I'd hear that."

"Best get used to it," Lauren answers, and Camila can practically hear her smile. "Want me to stay on the phone with you until Dinah comes to pick you up?"

"Yeah," Camila answers, finishing off brushing her teeth and putting her toothbrush back in its holder. "I need to go grab a drink. Honestly, I wish I could just hop on a plane and come to you."

"I know, but you need time to think, separate from me." Lauren answers as Camila heads downstairs and pours herself a glass of water. "Have you done any thinking? Even though you thought you'd wake up where we're supposed to be today."

"Um, I kind of avoided it," Camila says, smiling at her mom as she drinks her water and mouths I'll take some pancakes too, nodding at the batch she's making for Sofi. "But I promise, I'm on it. Okay?"

"Okay," Lauren answers, and she sounds wary, but trusting. It makes Camila's heart hurt. "I think everyone is getting kind of restless. I know I am."

"It's my fault," Camila mumbles, walking into the lounge and sitting down on the couch. She lowers her voice, not wanting Sinu to hear anything. "There are some thoughts I can't face and I just... it's hard."

Lauren hums. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"I know, I just don't want to say anything and then have you get upset," Camila mumbles, "but I'm... I'm scared about going back. Mainly because of you."

She didn't want to talk about this around Lauren; in reality, Lauren is the last person she should talk to about it.

She knows she's fucked up when she hears the long silence on the end of the line. "Because of me?"

"I'm just so scared that you won't remember anything and you'll hate me," Camila says, "or that something will happen and you'll realise that being open with me would bring so much attention and you'll freak out."

There's a long pause again, before Lauren mumbles, "After all of this, you still don't trust me?"

"No, of course that's not it," Camila starts, shaking her head and trying to sound calm and rational. "Of course I trust you, that's-"

"Sounds a lot like you don't," Lauren snaps, letting out a long sigh, and Camila can picture her running her hand through her hair. She doesn't even sound angry, just upset and so, so tired. "What's the point of any of this if you still don't trust me?"

Camila splutters, "Lauren, I do trust you, I'd trust you with my life-"

"Look, I know I fucked up and hurt you in the past, but I've done nothing wrong since we've been here. I'm trying my best and I hoped you'd give me a little more credit," Lauren sighs again, and Camila thinks the worst part of this is how she's not shouting, or angry, and it terrifies her. "I think I need some space."

"What? No, Lauren, we can't, it's-" Camila begs, hoping that she can stop her from hanging up, "we're here to be together, and I don't want that ruined! Can't you see that it's because I love you so much that I'm worried? It's such a different environment-"