Problems

|| Chapter 15 ||

Alex couldn't breath.

Rain drummed on the roof of the dormitory, sounding like bullets against the brick. It lashed at the windows, splattering droplets and running in streams down the glass, making rivers and pooling on the ledge.

Thunder cracked like a whip, making him jump. The room was already wavering, warping and distorting in front of his eyes.

Okay Alex, you've done this before. Breath. Count. You're okay.

But the only thing he could think of was the water filling his mouth and nose and the fact that he's so tired and he doesn't want to keep doing this anymore, he wants to just let go and drown because he's tired of reliving this memory every goddamn time it fucking rains.

He was currently crouched between the wall and his desk, curled into a ball, his hands clutching at his hair, all-too aware of how stupid and pathetic he looked.

Alex sucked in a breath, air rattling in his lungs, dimly hearing the sound of a door opening and footsteps resounding across the floor.

Someone was kneeling in front of him, talking in a french accent. Lafayette. Laf was here, Laf was talking, except Alex couldn't understand anything over the buzzing in his ears.

"Alexander, you're okay. Breathe, Alex, just breathe," Laf said, and Alex shook his head. "Can't," he gasped, and Laf took Alex's hand and put it on his chest. "Yes, you can," he said firmly. "See? Focus and try to match my breathing." He took a breath and exaggerated the motion of his rib cage, and in the back of his head Alex admired his friend for being so calm.

Alex put his head on his knees, shaking, and tried to focus on something, anything, to stop the world from spinning. Everything was spiraling, he was falling through a tunnel, the water was so loud-

Distantly, through the static in his head, he felt something squeezing his hand, and then Laf asked, "Alex, do you want me to call John?"

A fresh wave of panic washed over him. "No," he choked, "no, don't call John, don't-" John has enough problems, you're one of those problems, god you're so weak, Jesus Christ, stop being a burden.

"Okay," Laf soothed, "You're okay, you're fine."

"I'm sorry," Alex sobbed, and Laf's eyebrows scrunched down. "It's not your fault, Alex, you can't control this-"

"If I was stronger-"

"No, don't...that's not the problem-"

"If I wasn't so stupid-"

"No-"

"I'm sorry-"

"Alex, stop." Laf said sharply, and Alex looked up. Laf's eyes locked with his. "You. Can't. Control. This. Okay? You went through a traumatic event that wasn't your fault, stop blaming yourself. You're going to be alright."

Alex nodded faintly and wheezed a little. His eyes started to glaze over, drifting away from Laf's.

"Alex," he warned, and he squeezed Alex's hand. "Stay here, Alex. You can't dissociate. You have to stay with me."

Alex blinked, and he looked back at Laf, but Laf could tell he wasn't really there.

"Alex, tell me five things you know."

"...What?"

"C'mon, Alex, five things you know. It can be random; something simple."

Alex closed his eyes. Tried to claw his way back to reality. "John is my boyfriend."

"Good, four more," Laf encouraged.

"Charlie is a red-eared slider."

"Three."