Dream On Fire

(48) Your first love not mine...

Every once in a while my ex-best friend reminds me of what we used to be as kids. Never mind... more like when we were babies, we didn't know what we were doing and passed day by day thinking we were in love...

When I was little I felt really conflicted to find a way to tell you I didn't like you anymore so I lied... I made my reasoning mean something when in reality it was pure selfishness.

Did I hurt you too much?

Oh! By the way I'm sorry... I'd rather not talk about a past crush I had on another guy but I guess this is just something I want to get out of my chest since it's just one of those things you don't really regret but in a way feel guilty about.

Going back to this "small crush" (how I like to call it) that I had on a guy when I was... REALLY YOUNG actually, I still hadn't met you which if you calculate you'd know it was wayyy far back from my childhood.

When the ex-best friend and me decided to be something I did like him but... it was what we call by definition:

-Crush: someone you like for usually no more than 3 months or so...

And that's how it was... not even a full month (I believe) passed by and I started to feel like I just didn't feel the same anymore...

So I ended everything,

I told him it was because I didn't want him to get hurt since at that time bullies were... bullying us because we were together and, I get it it was a dumb decision to make back then because I lost my friendship with you but... if it had never happened then, I wouldn't be who I am today...

The true reason to why I stoped being with him was because I started feeling uncomfortable... and don't get me wrong he never did something uncomfortable it was just that I simply stoped liking him...

My feelings faded away to quickly and (actually) I started to "freak out" since I don't know how to express my feelings...

HECK! I honestly still don't know how to express myself properly! I'm a total mess of emotions but either way... I did things that way and I don't regret it one bit. Maybe the only thing I would regret is that I didn't tell him sooner and the actual reason why I wanted to go my own way.

Sorry for the (not so) harsh word I used before... they told me you say no bad words so, I don't want to be the girl you see cursing over everything...
I had a past with some friends were we started saying that whomever didn't say bad-words was a chicken... but honestly how dumb where we to say that!?
But as they say... past is past and it should stay like that, in the past.

Since that time the ex-best friend never stoped telling me indirectly how much I hurt his feelings... he would say:
"Hey! Let me show you this song! I absolutely love it!".
And honestly I wouldn't mind so I would agree and listen to a song written by a boy saying how much of a horrible and other (not so nice adjectives) the girl was to him.

To be honest all this moments bothered me quite a lot because it's been four years (the day he showed me the song) come on! So in other words: now a days it's been six years since that happened and I still get some comments about that moment and I don't know how to tell him anymore that...

It's not like I wanted to be a bad person! I don't want to be a bad person.
I just didn't want to lie to myself any longer cause I usually think more of others and forget that I also feel so...

I don't regret it.

He was not my first love.

I was his first love or broken heart.

Either way... my heart always belonged somewhere else... somewhere far away from him...