Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 19 Part 9 Dreams are Valid

      When I was a little kid, sometimes I'd cry until it hurt or until I fell asleep. At the time, I don't think I realized why I was do sad. However, I was aware that the reason I cried so much was that I thought my dreams wouldn't come true when I got older. This made me depressed as a kid and if affected my teen years in terms of overthinking. I don't think I realized I was overthinking until a friend told me.
     The reason I didn't think my dreams would come to fruition is the ability my mother had to fund them. I knew I wasn't born to a prosperous family, but born to a middle-class family. I really don't think much of it. I knew she wouldn't be able to fund my dreams. However, when I was younger, I was under the impression that she'd be able to because she way buying things that I wanted & taking care of the dance classes. That probably says something about me in terms of how I like things are taken care of for me. I'd rather be with someone whom I can build an empire or life with.
      I wanted to go to a dance program in Australia. I have a list of dance programs & where I can take dance classes around the world. Same goes for my education in fashion.
    I thought my mother would take care of the finance part of it because that's what I was lead to believe. I don't know if it was from media or from my mother directly. I believe my mindset can adjust from city to city.
     I got very upset when my mother didn't allow me to go to NY, California or Australia for dance or fashion. I had felt like she was stopping me from my dreams. I felt like she was hindering me from accomplishing my dreams.
     At the time, I was very hungry for my dreams, my own success. It felt like I was starving for it. I so badly wanted to pursue my dreams that I had pressed & pressured my mother into financing my dreams. I didn't have a job at the time. I don't understand people who have jobs they don't like or aren't passionate about.
      At this time in my life, I got depressed and super anxious that I wasn't pursuing my dreams through way I had imagined it. You know the quote, "Nothing ever happens like you imagine it will...but then again, if you don't imagine, nothing ever happens at all." (John Green, Paper Towns) I had related to the first part of the quote for what seems like a long time.
     I had imagined living my dreams in NY. Living with someone special and pursuing everything that I want to pursue. I would be able to travel wherever I want, whenever without anything standing in my way. It's the freedom I long for.
      I was told by friends whom I'm not with anymore by my own parents that I should have a "plan b" for my dreams. I'm glad I'm not with those negative friends anymore. I don't understand parents who tell their children they should have a "plan b" regardless of where they are at in life. It's like they don't fully believe.

"If you really want to do something, don't have a plan B. Having a plan b means you're expecting your plan A to fail and that isn't the right attitude." -Kate Winslet

I wasn't convinced on having a plan B anyway. I'd rather be multi-faceted in my professional life and be a fashion stylist, author & choreographer, dancer. There's nothing wrong with that. All of these are in my plan A. "I'm going to encourage you to focus only on plan A. In other words, eff a plan B." -Lilly Singh (How to be a Bawse) I remember people (being counselors/therapists, old friends that I don't like anymore) at tempting me to have a "plan B." I felt really sad when they were trying to convince me because not only did I not understand it, but because they didn't believe in me nor my crazy ideas. I think I was partly sad about that because of media & society portrays everyone to have a "back up plan" for their dreams in case it doesn't go through. To anyone and everyone that told me she should have a "plan B" or a "back up plan," you know you're dead wrong you couldn't convince me to your second degree thinking. That's not me.
      Now, I am pretty hungry for my dreams. I don't show it. I feel if I show how hungry I am for success, I'd throw a fit and then I'd have to go back to therapy. I believe a life coach would work better for me so that I can get more shit done, instead of doing the same thing each day.
      I've been told that my dreams of being a fashion stylist & choreographer are "unrealistic" and that I should have a "plan B." I never understood those terms. I don't need to learn what it means to have a "plan B" nor do I need to learn what it means to have "unrealistic" dreams.
     When I was younger, I wanted to be a fashion designer & a dancer. Now, I am a dancer but I was told being a fashion designer is "unrealistic." I didn't change my mind because of what they said. I changed my mind because I knew I wasn't good at designing clothes after I took a semester of classes in Boston, MA. I wanted to simplify things and create a story with the outfits in an editorial. I knew I could use my imagination for better use to not only tell my story, but to express who I am, the mental illness stigma & how I perceive the fashion world & my own world.
     I've been told that the way I want to pursue my dreams are also, "unrealistic." I'd rather go where there is no path & create my own road. Just because someone has a problem with it, does mean it's wrong. In fact, the way the way you see it is much more important than another person's view of your life.
      When I was younger, I used to think that I have always wanted to be a dancer, but I didn't realize that I already am one. I take dance classes every week. Not only am I educating myself with three different styles each week at this point in my life, but I improve my style as a dancer. I feel that I get to be stronger as a dancer and it improves my mentality of where I want to be in life. I get stronger each week. I get stronger each day. This is not just a physicality thing, but it is mentally & emotionally.
      I have big dreams and expensive taste, but my current situation is not my final destination. I know where I want to be and I have to push myself to get there. I'm aware of how hard I have to work to get there and I've been ready for a long time. If anyone tells you that you're not ready - regardless of who they are or how well they know you, don't believe them. Believe in yourself and you are halfway there. Just put in the work & be consistent.
     I want to be wealthy. Wealthy in friends. Wealthy in food. Wealthy in knowledge and fashion. Wealthy in dance education. Wealthy in family. Wealthy in the nature of life. Wealthy in memories and experiences. Don't let anything nor anyone stop you.