Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 19 Part 6 Belief vs. Disbelief

     I have this urge to pursue my dreams to accomplish everything that I dream of. I'm obsessed with the concept of dreams. I don't stop thinking about it. It's an ongoing battle that I deal with every single day. The dreams are not in my REM sleep, but what I envision every day. It's in my subconscious & conscious mind. I'm aware that I have to begin to pursue my dreams at a young age. I don't want to die at 27 and then be buried 50 years later. That's so fucked up.
     No one understands or comprehends how I feel about my dreams. They may relate to it on some level, however they don't know what it's like to be stagnant for years at a time, stuck in a comfort zone due to my circumstances. I have to pursue my dreams because I have no other choice. Sure, dance makes me feel good, but the chance or opportunity to get an audition for a music video, stage performance, apprentice with a dance company or choreographer is the opportunity of a lifetime. I wouldn't take that for granted. I know it's a privilege to work with best choreographers in this country.
     It would mean the world to me if I were to be given the opportunity to upgrade my life. Whether it be Manhattan, NY or Los Angeles, CA. I'd be grateful for that. I need to move my life there. I need to pursue my dreams. It's the only thing that I want. There's so much that I want out of life & my time is very limited.
     I don't recall when I first went to Manhattan, NY. However, I recall when I first heard about the city of Manhattan, I thought it was a magical place full of possibilities & I can make my dreams come alive. I've been wanting to move my life to NY for 13 years now.
     It's important & vital that I move my life to NY, so that I can establish myself as a fashion stylist & fashion blogger. I have to work on myself as a dancer. I care about my dreams so goddamn much and I'm the only one who does as much as I do. Moving to NY is part of the plan, staying stagnant is not. Everyday, I miss NY. I know it can be difficult for another person to comprehend why someone like me would miss a city where I haven't really lived my life in. That's how I feel about it.
      It's rare for me to go to NY. The only times I've been there was to visit family/relatives & to see a loved one for the last time. Going to NY, is not a "vacation" for me. It's a delight, a chance to pursue my dreams with ambition & confidence. I'd push through that fear to be who I want to be.
       I shouldn't be in my comfort zone, anymore. Nothing ever grows there. Nothing ever happens there. Most of the time, I feel stuck-physically & mentally. There's not much I can do. I've asked if I can move my life to NY & I get shut down every time because my mother is unable to fund it. I don't blame myself because I wanted to work in fashion retail when I was younger, but I was told, "No" because I was in highschool and I shouldn't add more to my schedule. I was told that I was "doing too much," and "working too hard." However, I felt the pressure to take a job in highschool because my friends at the time were doing that as well. Although, I never understood why people took jobs they didn't like that was unrelated to their dream or what they're passionate about. I'm not about that. I get that people start somewhere, but I don't to start, "anywhere."
     Sometimes, I feel like I should be settling due to my circumstances and things I'm unable to change. It's not about being happy with my situation & being content with it. It's about getting out of it & changing my life for the better. I wouldn't ever settle for anyone nor for anything. I don't lower my standards for anyone. The reason I feel like it's time I settled is because it seems like I can't do anything to fund my own dreams. I have projects in mind that I want to create. I want to experience my life the way I want to. I know it may seem like I don't have the desire not urge to pursue my dreams because I haven't done much about it. However, I've lived in MA for 27 years. -Except for six months in Colorado and one year in Long Island, NY. No one has seen what I can do as far as fashion & dance goes. I want to showcase how I perceive my fashion dreams on my blog as well as in a fashion editorial. I want to express how much my dreams mean to me & why I have to pursue them via dance. I feel like if none of my dreams come to fruition, then I'll just do what I don't want to and what doesn't make me feel alive. I know that doesn't make any sense - not even to me. It's that I feel like I don't know what to do anymore.
 
     I'm numb to my emotions. I know how it got that way, but I don't know how to undo it. I wouldn't tell anyone how I became emotionally numb since that unleashes another story that does not have to be connected nor delved into on a psychological level. It's none of their business of how I became emotionally numb.
     I don't want to be numb to my emotions. I'd rather be emotionally intelligent on every level. Before I was numb, I used to be able to identify my emotions via dance, music, or if I was at an event...or party. I knew my EQ was high, but I wouldn't test it to see how high my EQ was. That would give me anxiety. It's that I'm not sure how to fix this from being numb to emotionally intelligent. I want to feel everything again. This is really important to me because it makes me want to experience life the way I want to on an emotional level as well.
     Currently, I'm in my comfort zones. I don't like being in comfort zones. It's not about "making the best of it" either. I have better things I can do than sulk in comfort zones. I don't know how to get out of two of them. That's one of the reasons why I'd like a life coach to guide me on that.
      I'd love to depart all my comfort zones for good. It would be wonderful and amazing if I were to not return to them as well. If I were to depart my comfort zones for good, I'd pursue my dreams all the way through. I'd push past fear. I'd do everything I have always wanted to do. I'd network with people so that I can climb my way to the top of my path towards success. -And grow from there.
     I have to follow through with my plans for dreams. I know my story may sound redundant because I'm currently not doing anything about my dreams due to my current situation. I have important plans. I have big plans to pursue my dreams. I'm supposed to be taking dance classes at Broadway Dance Center. I'm supposed to be interning with fashion stylists. I should be an apprentice with a dance company or choreographer. It's that my current financial situation isn't working right now.
      I crave the kind of freedom artists have to travel the world to perform with their dancers. I crave the kind of freedom to be creative whenever I want - instead of on a time table. I want to express myself on my fashion blog with photos of what I dream of wearing & what I think about wearing. I want to express myself via dance of how much I want my dance dreams to come alive. I want to live my life on my terms.
     I have this strong desire to be the person that I must become in order to be successful. I'm not sure who that person is yet. However, I have an idea of who she is. I'd be powerful, mentally strong, brave, courageous, emotionally strong, fearless & bold in my pursuits. I want to inspire others so that they can achieve their dreams as well. I want to be driven towards my dreams, so that I can accomplish everything on my list of what I want to happen & come to fruition.
     I don't want this strong desire to fade nor to dissipate into the distance. That would kill me emotionally and mentally. I'd be even more numb than I currently am. It would be like I'm not craving my dreams nor having any interest or desire to pursue my dreams. That would hurt so much.
     I feel like I'm stuck in MA. It really looks like I'll never get out of here. I don't know what to do about it. I wouldn't live below my high standards. I wouldn't lower my standards for anyone.
     It's very important that I get out of MA because I'd live outside of my comfort zones, live my best life and live the life of my dreams. I don't want to be stuck in one state for the rest of my life. That's wrong. I don't want to be mentally stuck in one state of mind that I'm unhappy with. That is wrong.
     I feel like I'll never get the chance to move my life to where I want to pursue my dreams. I get that I could create my own opportunities, but I don't even know how to do that.
      I know I'm meant for greatness. I'm destined for greatness. I feel like my whole life is that I mentally go back and forth between believing in myself wholeheartedly to I don't know if I believe in my dreams anymore. This is due to the situation that I've been in for quite some time. They say it takes "10 years for that one year to change your life." Maybe it's 12 years...or 13...or 14.
     The reason I am not happy with being the person that I currently am is that I'm in my comfort zone. I strive to get out of it. I'm not who I should be. I'm not where I should be. I mean that mentally & physically. I don't fake my happiness, it's that there's temporary happiness & it's only for a short moment. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time and change a few things. For example, I wish I was better at knowing about finances. That way, I'd be better at creating my own business.
      If I was happy with who I am, I'd be outside of comfort zone, living in my favorite city that I've been dreaming of living in for 13 years now. I'd be pursuing my dreams. I'd be networking, working smart, working hard, & driving myself to succeed.