Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 6 Perception of Life

     I don't have a poor mindset. I have a rich mindset. I aspire to have a weather mindset. I read each day to educate myself. I agree it's like installing new software into my mind. Now, I just need to find time to educate myself on learning Farsi so that I can be fluent & speak with others who speak Farsi as well.
     My dream is to be a choreographer & a fashion stylist. I see fashion bloggers as fashion stylists in the making. As a choreographer, I'd like to get rid of the stigma of mental illness. I want to perform something so powerful that I haven't thought of, yet. As a fashion stylist, I want to express my whole life, my story of how I became the person that I am now. This is so important & so vital because I want to leave a trail of my life & create a new path for myself. I want to show myself that it's mentally & physically possible to have two careers in my plan A.
     I want to shift my mindset to a whole new level that I haven't thought of yet. Something that will empower me & I'm able to coach myself throughout my life. I have to get out of my comfort zones in order to do this. I don't even know when that will be. I strive to get out of my comfort zones.
     I don't want it to be rare for me to experience life or rare to travel the world. That's so messed up. At this point in my life, I don't get to travel outside of MA because of funds. My birthday is on a Monday at this point & it really bothers me that I won't be in NY for me birthday because I won't see my second cousin. I don't see her often at all. Last time I saw her was December, but that was because my grandmother on my mother's side had passed away. Before that, I had seen her four years ago, but that was for my aunt's daughter's wedding. That was the first time I met my second cousin. I'd rather travel more than five times away. Not just outside of MA, but outside of this country. There are SO many places that I want to feel, touch, experience & see. I want to go to Singapore, Paris, Venice, Florence, North Pole, Dubai, Mashad & Tehran(I've been to those two before), Shiraz, Taj Mahal, the world islands, the Palm Jumeirah, Africa, & Marrakesh, to name a few.
     I don't want to be like my parents in any kind of way - not even financially. I'm not into their kind of lifestyle. I don't aspire to be that. That's not who I am. I aspire to be someone I can look up to & be myself. I want to create my own lifestyle that's fit for me. I want to take charge of my life & pursue everything that I have thought of & dreamt of. This is very important for me because I don't want to leave anything out, I don't want to keep my ideas/projects on my mind all the time & none of it happens. That would be a disgrace & awful. I want to put all of myself into my work so that when I'm gone, it's me & my soul. Nothing else.
     I want to create a lifestyle that gives me freedom to travel without limitations, experience however I'd like to, the way I want to experience life. It's not just about owning what I'm coveting & using those outfits to express who I am & what I am about, but I want to feel life. I want to feel & experience the emotions of life. I need to be emotionally intelligent. There's fire inside of me that's waiting to be blown into flames. I know what I am passionate about and that drives me towards my goals into dreams to fruition. I don't need motivation, I've got drive & ambition. The vision pulls me. I envision my lifestyle to be beautiful, luxurious, glam & bring surrounded by people whom I've networked with in order to build my brand.
     My brand should represent who I am as a person, what I am capable of & what I can do to change my life. I want the name of my brand to be esjaadi, so everyone knows there's a Persian aspect to it. I want there to be a middle eastern feel to it, but my soul is part of it since it is who I am.
      I want to be wealthy. Wealthy in food, friends, riches, what I am coveting, memories, experiences, music, & in life.
      I feel like part of my story is to not only live life on my own terms, but it is to fulfill my desire & my fantasy of the dream wedding that I want. I don't care what anyone says nor thinks about it. I'm not going to jinx my wedding by telling people what I want for it. That would be wrong. I'm not ordinary, but I am original. I want my dream wedding to be spectacular, like something you've never seen before. I want it to be grand & memorable. I want a few artists to perform there to not only add to the experience of my wedding but to create the vibe that I want for it. I want my dress to be custom-made so that no one else will have it. I want my wedding to be a Persian wedding. There will be days I will be traveling to Iran, Europe & then to Australia to have my wedding. I don't care if there are people who are unable to come because of personal reasons/funds. That's their fault. Not mine. If they can't attend, maybe Livestream it on YouTube.
      I have to find my purpose and my powerful why. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I believe this will help me get out of my mental & emotional comfort zones. I don't know when I'll get out of my physical & spiritual comfort zones, however I believe moving to NY will get me out of my comfort physical. I'm the only person who sees that. I truly believe that my life begins outside of my comfort zone. I haven't left it at all. I don't know what that's like in any way. Every year, I've been asking, requesting, &  demanding that I depart my physical comfort zone for my birthday & I'm always shut down because someone else won't pay for it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel stagnant. Obviously, I'm not happy in MA & I know I'll be happier in NY because that's where I can take internships with stylists, & dance at Broadway Dance Center. No one understands my dreams & goals, but me. My life is not for them, but only for me. It has not ever felt like I was pursuing my dreams. I don't even know what that's like. I need to experience that.
       I feel like every year, I should be celebrating my birthday the way I want to, the way I perceive it & it's grand & it's amazing. When it doesn't go my way, I feel like it's second best & I hate it so much because I feel like it is not up to my high standard of quality. When that happens, I get real upset & just cry. I don't have anyone else to vent or talk to except for my second cousin.
      Sometimes, I feel like my dreams are slipping away from me because they're just on my mind & I haven't done anything about them. I'm just educating myself by reading & taking dance classes at night & doing yoga in the morning. Nothing else. I have a blog on squarespace, but I have to figure out how to monetize it. I don't update it that often.