Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 3 Part 1 - Blue Devils

     There's sooo that I want out if life. I realize that I have to create opportunities since there are no opportunities in MA for me to pursue. There are no connections for me & no way for me to network in MA to get with those who have networked get auditions or interned with stylists.
     I've read stories about people - stylists & dancers who moved to NY or CA to pursue their dreams because where they lived was their comfort zone that they left to pursue their dreams. I aspire to be that way. That inspires me to leave my comfort zone for good in order to be great. I mean I don't want to be 29 or 30 and still living in MA. That would hurt like hell. I've been to hell & back. I can't go back again. That's fucking messed up. It should not be that way at all. I've been praying for two years now about moving my life to NY & stay there. Next year, it would be three years that I have been praying to move to NY to pursue my dreams for plans. It's completely unfair to me that I've been wanting to move my life to NY for 12 years now and I'm not even there because no one is going to fund my way to NY.
     Every day I miss the city because it's everything I want & more. I don't care what anyone says about the city. I miss it and it's the only city that I want to live in to pursue my dreams, to create my projects, to travel the world, country.
      It means soooo much to me to live my life in NY because living my life in the city & pursuing my dreams for plans there would mean I'm on the right path to success. All I ever want is for my dreams to come to fruition & nothing less. No one understands that but me.
      It has never felt like I had pursued my dreams before. I've taken dance classes & a few fashion classes in Boston. However, I've never experienced the feeling of pursuing my dreams in NY. I don't know what that's like and I'm dying to know what that's like & I have depart my comfort zones on all levels in order to live my life to the fullest. I don't know what it's like to leave my comfort zones and I need to experience that as well in order to succeed.
     As of writing this, I've been crying & sobbing because of the uncertainty of when the day will come when I pursue my dreams in NY. It hurts too much. I shouldn't be living in my comfort zone for the rest of my life because another person says different.
     Plus, I can't get a job because of what's not on my resumé. That's annoying & frustrating because I only have dance & fashion on there. Those are the only two things I care about. I refuse to take a job that doesn't relate to both in any way.

     When I was depressed & over thought to the point of depression, I thought alot about death. It wasn't once in a while nor was it every now & then. That's what I told myself, though. I didn't mean to lie to myself, it's just that I didn't want the truth to be real.
     I thought of death so often that I thought of my own to the point of maybe writing a note that I took my own life. I actually thought about what would be in the note. I recall adding drops of tears & smear of blood to make it sad & morbid. Not once(at the time) did I think it would affect anyone else. I wasn't being selfish. It's that I felt like no one cared about what I wanted to become & especially my dreams. I am the only one who cares deeply about those things.

1-800-273-8255 by Logic

     I had felt that the only thing that would make me happy was to pursue my dreams & no one was financing it. No one was supporting those dreams. I was so depressed about it that I didn't want to do anything but stay at home, scroll through Tumblr until it felt like Narnia & buy things I wanted at e-commerce stores. It seemed like the only reason I did that because it made me happy at the time. Once in a while,  I'd go outside & go shopping by myself. It made me happy for the moment but not for the long term.
     I was very upset that no one was financing my dreams nor taking me to NY, to the point that I was breaking dishes. I broke bowls, martini glasses, tall glasses & water glasses. This all happened when my mother wasn't home that week. Of course I cleaned up the "evidence" to make it look like I didn't do anything. I didn't care that I did that. There were no consequences for that. I didn't get in trouble. I liked the feeling & the rush of breaking things. It felt good at the time.
    I knew that wouldn't fix anything nor make anything better, I just needed to get out my anger & anxiety.
     I couldn't control my anxiety & depression. However, sometimes I felt that my anger was something that I could control. I don't think it really was. I remember it was difficult for me to sleep at night since my dreams are worth more than my sleep. I didn't like sleeping because sometimes I'd have bad dreams. Sometimes, I'd cry myself to sleep quietly & I'd wakeup in tears just from the situation at the time.