Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 19 Part 6 Belief vs. Disbelief

      I don't have to be satisfied with my situation. In fact, I'm not. With my current situation, I'm unable to travel the world, wear what I dream of or covet what I want to wear, thus not able to go shopping wherever I please, unable to go to amazing restaurants as I please, unable to take all the dance classes I want & unable to have a photographer with me for my fashion blog. I'm unable to take classes in photography, Farsi, and cooking.
      It's definitely a fact that I am currently unhappy with my current circumstances. I feel like I can't change my circumstances no matter what I do about it. There's so much of my life that I need to change & want to change that it is not overwhelming. Instead, it's driven, inspiring & ambitious. It's also passionate.
     I have big dreams and expensive taste. I aspire to inspire before I expire. I'm ambitious, but no one has seen that. I feel like I'm passionate about so many things. I'm passionate about dance, pursuing my projects through fruition and fashion. Although, I'm not going to pursue anything anytime soon. It feels like I'll never live the life of my dreams.
      The reason I feel this way is because of the situation I'm in. I know I'm not supposed to let the past dictate my future nor predict it. However, I emphasize that I'm stagnant because it's like there's nothing I can do about it. I cannot do this on my own.
     It's more than being a choreographer & a fashion stylist. It's about being a fashion blogger, build my brand (Esjaadi), getting married & how I imagine that wedding. It's about bringing my projects to fruition.
     My life shouldn't be redundant for as long as I live. It really bothers me that I have been doing the same thing for the past two years and there weren't any changes. Redundancy shouldn't exist in my life. It doesn't do anything. I want people to be asking me questions about my past as if they think life is about finding yourself. No. Life is about creating yourself. I know who I am and I don't need introspection nor do I need to re-discover my mind.
     I feel like my mindset won't chat to the way I want it to be. It hurts to be stuck in a situation where I'm unable to grow mentally & mentally.
     I'm not sure what I want my mindset to be exactly. However, I want to be mentally strong, brave, powerful, bold, fearless & financially strong.
     I don't want to be stuck in my comfort zones. And I don't want to be writing about my struggle and my boring life for as long as I live. That's not what I'm here for. It doesn't any sense. I'd rather live my life that write about it. I don't want my story to be boring. I want to live a life that's worth writing about. I want it to be exciting. It bothers me that I don't know how to change my life from here.
     I feel like I'll never make a big difference in my world. There are so many things that I have to pursue, that I need to pursue. I want to inspire others to get out of their comfort zones. It's not that I don't believe in myself or my dreams. I believe in myself & my dreams, however it keeps going back and forth between believing & disbelief. I think the reason for this is due to my situation.
     I want to make a big difference in my world. Not only is it my projects & my dreams to come to fruition, but I want to give back to endangered animals, their environments that are threatened, protect their natural habitats & prevent pollution in the air and water.
     I really want to move my life to Los Angeles, CA after I have lived in NY for 2 or 3 years. I know that's where all the dancers, choreographers & fashion stylists are. I know NYC is one of the fashion capitals. I know Broadway Dance Center is there. There are so many fashion agencies in both NY and CA. I'd rather be in Los Angeles because I can pursue my dance career there. I can network with dancers, apprentice with choreographers and hopefully get an audition.
    Ever since I had heard of the city of Manhattan, NY & ever since I visited the city, I have always wanted to have my own homes in that city. I'm aware that seem crazy to someone who hasn't really lived their life in NY for more than six months or for more than a year. However, that's how much I like NY. It's my favorite city that I have been to. I love the energy there. Fashion lives there. Dance is more than existing there. I don't stop thinking about what I want from life. I don't stop thinking about what kind of home I want in Manhattan. I want my home to be eclectic, beautiful, energetic & amazing.
     After I have established myself as a dancer, choreographer, fashion blogger, fashion stylist & my brand, Esjaadi, I want to have my house in Australia, on the east coast. Everyday, I miss Australia. I recall very specifically the night I arrived back from Australia the summer before high school, I was gloomy, upset & I was crying because I didn't want to be in the U.S.A. I felt freedom in Australia. The freedom to pursue anything I wanted, anything I can set my mind to. I felt like everything I wanted & dreamed of was in Australia. At the same time, I felt a peace of mind to how I viewed life. I believe my life will be more beautiful once I move to Australia. I don't want to miss out on what life has to offer me.

      I'm aware I've been saying there are so many roadblocks & so many things preventing me from pursuing my dreams and what I am passionate about. However, I feel like I don't know what to do to get out of my own way.
     It's that I don't want anything to be in the way of my dreams. I realize that I have to get over that obstacle. I have to shift my mindset do that it fits to where I want to be in my life. I know I want to be stronger, braver, more courageous, bold & attuned to bettering myself in every way.
     I want to fight for what I want. Although, I'm not sure if it will happen - even in this time of my life. What I want for my life is very important to me. My dreams are worth more than my sleep.
     I know what I deserve. That's my goals, my dreams to come to fruition. I deserve the things that I dream of wearing, the people that I dream of interning with and the people that I dream of doing an apprenticeship with. I dream of working with my favorite stylists & choreographers - not just on projects but to get advice from them as well.
     I want to fight for my pursuits and my dreams. They mean so much to me. It's all I ever think about. I know I have to take strong actions to accomplish my dreams.
     I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's no other option. I believe there's an opportunity, a chance for me out there to pursue my dreams. I don't know when that will be nor do I know where that is. I picture it will be in my favorite city, Manhattan. Then, I move my life to Los Angeles, CA. Next, I want to live my life to Australia.
     I believe that "the light at the end of the tunnel" is when I breakthrough as an artist, succeed in my pursuits for my vision & grow as an artist. I don't want to stop what I'm going to pursue. There's so much that I envision for myself. I don't want my life to be "unfinished." It is essential and vital that I pursue everything that I need and have to do to fulfill my dreams.
       This is a battle between who I am today and who I want to be. Currently, I'm not satisfied with who I am. I want to be better than who I was. It's my circumstances that I feel are holding me back.
       The person who I am simply wants to pursue her dreams and live outside of her comfort zones & travel the world. The person I want to be wants to be powerful, strong, bold, fearless, courageous & brave. I know I'm genuine about how I feel, it's that I want to identify my emotions.
       I feel like nothing will change for the better in the next three years. I mean this in terms of getting out of my comfort zones, moving to my favorite city, getting my own apartment there, have my own house in Australia, getting married to my future husband, interning with fashion stylists, apprentice with choreographers, getting auditions in NY or Los Angeles, CA; developing my fashion blog & creating my own projects that don't exist yet. I realize that some of these are far in the future, but I believe they will happen.
       I know I shouldn't be lying to myself however, I don't want anything to be stopping me from pursuing my dreams. I have my vision & I can see it. I truly believe that the things I want will come to fruition. Anyone who thinks and/or tells me otherwise doesn't belong in my life.
     The reason I need chat within the next three years is that I feel there's a time constraint for a dancer. -Age wise. I don't know what that age is, although I bet it's somewhere in their 30s. I'll be two years shy of thirty this year. I don't know what it's like to pursue dreams, my vision or even how to hustle outside of my comfort zones. I would love to know what that's like & I have to experience that.