just a dream (camren)

fifty two

"I will, but I think they actually do have a link, and if they do, it proves you and Dinah do, too." Camila says, "I think it's all my fault. At least indirectly."

Lauren frowns at her. "We've been over this already-"

"Lucy still thinks it could be," Camila mumbles, shaking her head, "they were my fans, Laur. My fans, sending those... those horrible things to Mani. And my fan who asked Ally what it was like to be least loved in the group. And it was because of me that Dinah's here, too. That's not even a subtle link! And-"

"And I got outed by some assholes on the internet. Nothing to do with you." Lauren points out, cutting her off. "And weird, soulless me cheated on Lucy to feel something. Also nothing to do with you. I think you're just... a little paranoid, Camz. It's not all your fault."

Camila wracks her brain for a reason, and after what seems like forever, it's like a lightbulb pings on over her head. "You thought you'd pushed me away forever. That's the fucking link. Oh my god, it's all me, I'm-"

"Camila," Lauren shuts her up by pulling her in for a kiss, "none of this is your fault. You're overthinking it and making connections you shouldn't."

"No, Lauren, it's... it's got to be that," Camila says, "you and Dinah both thought you'd lost me. Ally and Mani were angry at me, partially because of the actions of my fans. That's why you guys are paired like that. It has to be, which means it's probably my fault."

"There's still Lucy," Lauren points out, and Camila shakes her head, "oh, you don't want to consider that in case it destroys your whacko theory? Camila, it's not your fault. None of this is. I promise you."

"It's all me, because... because maybe... maybe you cheated on her with me!" Camila shouts, trying to connect the dots in her head, "and that's why-"

"Lucy said it herself that she doesn't know who it was, and neither do I, because it wasn't even really me who did it," Lauren calmly responds, taking hold of Camila's hand and squeezing it. "It's not on you, Camz. We're here for a reason, but I don't think it's that."

"It is. It has to be. I was the outsider in the group. You guys were close, but I wasn't. You all came here before me in our timeline, except Dinah, who was the only one I was still friends with, and even that friendship wasn't what it was," Camila explains, trying to make Lauren see. "I came here when I finally decided to leave. When I felt like things were unfixable. Maybe it is all down to me because I shouldn't have left, and-"

"But you still want to," Lauren quietly points out, and Camila trails off, staring at Lauren in surprise. Her girlfriend looks up, eyebrows raised, but she doesn't look mad. On the contrary, she looks relatively amused. "Don't give me that look. I know you do."

Camila bites down on her bottom lip. "You don't know that."

"I think you're forgetting that I'm your girlfriend and I can read you better than anyone," Lauren shoots her a shy smile, "I know you're still going to leave. Even if you wake up the day before you make the decision. You were free. Why go back to being forced to sing and dance to prewritten songs like some kind of living puppet?"

Camila looks at her, unable to get the apology out. "I- I just..."

"Don't apologise," Lauren seems to read her mind, "you told me yourself; you want to play your music. Emphasis on your. Music is therapeutic for you. It's your catharsis, and I don't want that group to take that away from you like it did for me."

"Lauren..." Camila trails off, the cogs in her mind whirring as she tries to formulate a response, so overwhelmed by the fact that she's not mad. "Thank you. For... for not hating me for that. I think... I think Dinah thinks I'm going to stay after... all of this. But I don't think I can."