Hands In The Stars

42. Connecting The Past

It felt nice, for both of them, to be able to have someone else there to understand their grief in such a casual way. Someone who they could talk about the bittersweet memories with. Someone else who knew Shun on the same level as the other. The fact that they had gotten such different sides of him only made it all the more comforting. They got to share experiences that they never would have known about, moments that were so sacred and precious.

"If I have to be honest, I knew I had heard your name before. Well, before Datui started being around you, back in the beginning. Shun talked about you so much, he really, I mean really liked you." Ai admitted. "I know that you, Shun and Edwin had a, uhm, a relationship between all three of you before. Though, from what I remember he never really talked about Edwin. I barely even knew he hung out with him at all, but you were different."
"Oh-" Ethan blushed a bit, a small, melancholy smile across his lips. "Well, I think Edwin and your mother might be having some tensity, that might be why Shun was cautious at times. He is the reason me and Edwin are as we are today. Sure, I've known of Edwin even since my childhood but Shun brought us close together. Edwin really loved him. At times I wonder if the only reason Edwin managed to push through a public education so far, after he had to re-do a year, was because of Shun. Edwin barely shows up anymore. You might not know but he's really having a hard time dealing, so try not to mention such things with him. If it weren't for Shun only god knows where Edwin would have ended up, as if he doesn't already have it bad enough as it is..." Then, Ethan paused, chuckling a bit. "You know you can just say love, right? It's not weird, you just make it weird."
"Well, it is weird! I can't say love like that, it feels strange to say my name in that context when talking about my brother. Have you tried, hm? Okay, yeah, he really Ethaned you, Ethan, he really Ethaned Edwin too-"
"Okay, okay, yeah stop-" Ethan cut Ai off and both of them let out a giggle.

"That's why I never say love in that sense, I'd much rather say I like things. In the same sense that I say I like candy and movies and Datui, even whe-" Ai cut himself off when he saw the evil smirk that appeared across Ethan's lips. "You didn't hear that! You're drunk you don't know anything you are stupid and high and have amnesia!" Ai quickly defended himself. Ethan burst out laughing.
"You said it! You really said it! I honestly never thought I'd hear you admit! Finally!" Ethan almost yelled, then laughed again. "Both you and Datui are so damn obvious in your feelings to each other. So, if you agree to just announce it, I can talk everyone else into making a surprised expression, because we all already know."
"I did not-" Ai cut Ethan off, then Ethan cut Ai off back.
"Okay, no, but seriously now. In all honestly, tell me what it is that you see in Datui? You both obviously love each other, yet he barely has the courage to hold your hand in public. I can't see him being boyfriend material at all. I really want to see you happy but please try to think about it. A relationship can ruin a lot." Ethan warned Ai with a truly concerned expression, holding the smaller hand in his own.

Ai laid down onto the couch with a small, dreamy smile across his lips.
"You only think that because you don't get him, Ethan. He's really lovely. I mean, to me he's everything but mean or bad. He's actually really caring, I don't know what there is not to love about him? He's tall, handsome, hot, funny, protective, very giving and forgiving. Generally everything a good boyfriend should have. He got the entire checklist!" Ai smiled at the ceiling, and Ethan stared in confused surprise. Trying to imagine Datui as romantic, caring or generous truly felt impossible for him. Sure, Datui was a fun friend to have, but a partner craved more than being funny or entertaining.

"I don-"
"And I've been thinking about it for so long! I'm tired of thinking about it. I mean, I've known him my entire life. Sixteen years and he has never once made me dislike him, I don't think I could ever get tired of having him around." Ai cut Ethan off. "But I already know he doesn't feel the same towards me. Datui got a million love interests. All the people he go on constant dates with, like Genghis, Jian, Makok or Meng, yeah let's take Meng for example. She's cute and popular, got money, a nice body and way more experience than me. He gives her so much attention. You too, he always pays attention to you Ethan. I couldn't even dream to compete. It's not fair!" Ai crossed his arms, clearly getting a bit irritated. He felt the tears swelling up in his eyes and his vision blurred from all the alcohol he had consumed that night. "Why does he get to sleep around with everyone except for me if it's so obvious that he likes- Loves, me? He doesn't, that's why. You know that too. Stop making fun of me! He's just so nice, and he's rich, so lovable and I just don't know what to do!" Ai started drunkenly sobbing. Feeling both shocked and guilty, Ethan quickly pulled him into a tight hug.

Ai cried, into Ethan's arms for a few minutes, intoxicated out of rationality. Ethan did his best to soothe him, only to fail time after time.
"Speaking of your name, by the way, when are you going to change it?" Ethan asked once the situation had finally calmed down a bit. He desperately tried to steer the subject away from love interests and past memories.
"My, uhm, what..?" Ai's sobbing turned into a confused stare. "My name is fine? Why would I change it, what the hell are you talking about?"
"Do you really want to be named Ai forever, you know, as a man?" Ethan asked, then realized how rude he must have sounded. "I mean Ai really fits you! Obviously, there is nothing wrong with your name at all! But if you'd ever want to change it and need help I'm always going to be here for you, you know. I can give suggestions if you'd like, or just opinions, whatever you might need. I just mean from the point of view that Ai is an extremely feminine name and all- Okay I'll shut up I'm too drunk to censor my words I literally do not think before speaking." Ethan put a hand to his forehead and Ai smiled a bit.

"Oh, it's fine, I just didn't get how you meant. Uhm, that's a big thing, you know? Maybe we can discuss names, I don't really dislike Ai, it's fine but yeah it is very feminine, still I can't change it just like that now, can I? I've got to go through an entire process and everything. I don't think I have the money or priorities for it" Ai sighed heavily.
"Or, hear me out, you can get a fake ID." Ethan suggested. Ai seemed to think about that for a while before speaking again.
"Where would I even get that?"
"Ask Datui where he got his." Ethan answered without missing a beat.
"Datui has a fa- Actually I'm not even surprised anymore. I want something similar to Ai though... By the way, your name sure as hell isn't Ethan, so what is it actually?" Ai asked, catching Ethan way off guard. Ethan just stared at him blankly, feeling his heart skip a beat. "Well, what's your Chinese name, Ethan?" Ai reworded his question.

There was a long silence between the two. Ai waited for Ethan to answer. Ethan waited for something, anything, to save him from the situation. This would have been the perfect time for Edwin to give him a call. That did not happen, though, and Ethan finally sighed with defeat.
"Funny you'd ask, Ai. Ethan is the name that my mother started using for me. She has called me that since I was maybe seven or so, I don't really know why. She claims she thinks it sounds pretty and exotic, or something like that. In reality I think it has something to do with legal papers she's trying to avoid as much as possible." Ethan started, clearly trying to drag it out and Ai rolled his eyes a bit with a smile.
"So what's on your ID then?" He basically forced the answer out of Ethan.
"It's supposed to be Xueyou. Though I prefer not using it personally, it feels disconnected to me by now. I'd way rather use Ethan." He finally answered and Ai smiled a bit.
"Xueyou is a cute name! So is Ethan, though. It's cute, like you."

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I just love when these get oddly personal, almost pulling at the strings of going too far or saying too much. So much vulnerability to be exposed.