Secret Life of a Bitch

Bar Mitzvah

Dear Diary,

I have had the best time, holy shit Timbuktu brings the party.

So last night I ventured out of my room (I know I know I'm quite the party animal) all the way down to The Bar Mitzvah. 

Now I originally thought, hey that's an inventive name for a bar. But I'm pretty sure I misinterpreted the sign, and that a 'Bar Mitzvah' is actually a type of Jewish celebration. 

(But if I'm wrong, go to the The Bar Mitzvah, 10 outta 10 recommend.) 

It was great honestly! This drunk girl came up to me and started speaking gibberish, then grabbed my hand and pulled me into a conga. A couple of shots later and I found myself on that chair being hoisted above the crowd laughing and screaming "I love you Timbuktu." And I really did, it was so much fun. 

But dear reader, if you are thinking, gosh isn't Eliza the most wild (..beautiful and so cool) person ever... you are wrong. (But thanks I hold a special place in my heart for you now ;)) 

 For the person that deserves that title must be Shaznika. Whilst I was enjoying my little escapade crowd surfing on a chair  I spotted, past all the flashing lights, the DJ who was blasting full sound a truly terrible Adele remix. Adele should never be remixed. 

She was nodding her head along so violently I was scared she was gonna get a mild concussion, and as I strained my eyes I realised that DJ was in fact Shaznika. I shouted to be lowered but not before she screamed into the microphone "Timbuktu I love you, thank you for all the support." Then started singing into the microphone along with Adele. Shaznika can't sing, I don't care about her time on Cats, she must've got the part through her uncanny feline resemblance, cos her voice ain't a pretty sound.

Finally I managed to get Shaznika into the crowd.. just as it spread into a circle. People started breaking off and performing their own little dance rendition. One guy walked on his hands, and another did like twenty back flips. Shaznika did the robot, and the girls whose Bar Mitzvah it was, did some beautiful ballet. At one point I was pushed in the circle, and people started shouting at me to teach them an Englsih dance. Now correct me if I'm wrong England, but why the hell don't we have a national dance?? Anyway I recovered and decided the next best thing was to do my Irish jig. I'm gonna stop writing there. Let's just say it was a very weird night.

Good though. 

Afterwards I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a picture of all my friends dancing at Mol's house party. It was the whole gang, Mads, Mols, Mils, Minnie, Charlie and Jake. The heart strings got tugged. Weirdly though, there was another girl I didn't recognise in the middle of them all. She had dark brown hair and bright green eyes and very pink lips. She was really pretty I hate to say. (I mean not as much as me, but she ain't a bad contestor.) I felt a little like I'd been replaced. And that made me a bit pissed. I tried texting Minnie asking who she was but she didn't reply. In one picture Charlie was measuring the size of his hand against hers, and they were laughing manically. I mean that was our thing?! He did that with me like the other day during rehearsals, so now he's just gonna be like that. Who hand cheats the day their hand partner goes to Timbuktu. It's literally unheard of.

So I've stalked this girl now. And not only does she look like a model, but she's a good person too! All her Instagram photos are of her doing parachute jumps for charity, or playing with puppies. Plus her name is Honey AND she's vegan. Like dude really? Ugh the perfection makes me feel sick. Bet I'll come back and all my mates will be like "Who dis bish?"

What if they're actually like that though!?

Ooo got a bit paranoid now.

No Eliza, this is the Margaritas talking, be quiet and get into bed.

Okay Eliza

Over and Out,

Ya gal x