ENLIGHTENED

Chapter 36

Chapter 36: Stop it.

Yawn.

The sun gently touches my face, brightening my gloomy face.

I frown, not understanding how the sun is exploring my room when I had my blinds shut.

"Wake up." I hear a voice and I sigh.

Dad.

"Go away." I moan out, trying to cover my head so that I don't see the beautiful sun rays.

"Kill me first." he says and that's when I know that there is no hope. I won't be able to have him leave unless of I do as he says, kill him which I obviously won't do.

"Please daddy." I say into my pillow.

"You have been hiding yourself in here for two weeks. You would have practically starved yourself if your mother didn't force feed you. Not anymore. Don't push me young lady." he says in his stern voice and the threats are very loud and clear.

I find myself seating up, suddenly feeling dizzy from the sudden motion.

I have been inside my room since that very day I walked out of Austins office. I thought I could be strong but the mere fact that I have locked myself inside my room is clear evidence that I have been failing miserably.

I paid fire with fire which has burnt me severely. I had every chance to take water but no, I had to hurt him too to get my message through. He called me all night that day and I ignored each and every call, which I regret.

He hasn't called ever since and my pride is preventing me from calling him because I don't want to beg. I can't. I won't.

"It is that boy, isn't it?" dad asks and I look away, not wanting to face him.

"You love him that much yet you're not doing anything about it. Pathetic." he says and I feel anger surge through me after my own father called me pathetic.

"I am not pathetic daddy. He hurt me." I say and he shakes his head before sighing.

"So you decided that the best way to handle the situation is to hurt him while hurting yourself as well. Now you're foolish." he says and the anger that I feel makes me want to kill him.

"I am not foolish father and I will not have you call me that." I say, threatening him.

He looks at me, his eyes showing how unfazed he is by my threat.

"Who did I tell you to always put first?" he asks and I look at my hands.

"Me." I say, wondering what he's getting to.

"Whose feelings must you put first?" he asks again and I sigh.

"Mine." I reply, looking at him with question marks all over my face.

"You hurting him hurts who?" he asks and I slowly put the pieces together.

"Me." I say, imagining my handsome Austin.

"And who is supposed to be happy at all times?" he asks and I put my hand on my chest.

"Me daddy." I answer.

"And who makes you happy?" he asks again and I seal my lips.

"Well?" he pushes.

"Austin." I admit, wishing that he didn't hurt me.

"You must alway put you happiness first and if he is that happiness, then perhaps he should also share that first place baby. There's more than enough room, if you allow yourself to make it. I didn't raise weaklings. Go out there and do what it takes to get that boy back because without him, you're a train heading for a dead end at a very high speed. Free your heart of the darkness that you have filled it with with the light that is that boy." he says, giving me a strong sense of deja vu.

"How? How do I forget the pain he put me through? How do I look past the fact that he put me last, in fact, he erased me off his list of priorities and put a complete stranger first. How do I erase his betrayal? What if he does it again? I can't just throw myself at him like that father, I can't." I say, wiping away the tears that created a vivid trail down my face.

"Forgive him." he says and I shrug my shoulders, shaking my head.

"Forgive him and also forgive yourself for hurting him too. Fix what is left and with time, if it's meant to be, things will fall into place and if it isn't, then all your efforts will be null and void." he says and I shake my head.

"What about my pride? If I go back to him, I'll be losing my pride father." I say and he rolls his eyes. My father literally rolled his eyes at me. Like, who is this man?

I'm shook.

"Lowering your pride is better than having lots of regrets." he says and my mind processes everything.

"Regret is a heavy load that you will never be able to shake off once you have it. It's very hard to avoid, close to impossible actually. Whereas your pride can be rebuilt a million times." he says and I nod, understanding him and now knowing what I'm going to do. I'm going to go after my man.

Many may say it's stupid because he has previously betrayed me but people fuck up. It's probably the one thing they are guaranteed to do well. And it's very easy to mess up.

But that does not justify the fact that he did it. The most important thing is that he realized the consequences of his actions and he won't do it again. I have faith that he won't repeat his actions. And that on its own is more than enough.

I still trust him but it isn't as strong as it used to be and it will probably take quite awhile to restore but I believe we are both committed to fixing our cracks. In fact, we will demolish them all and rebuilt our walls from the bottom. The only way our new walls will stand is if we build them together.

No one is perfect. We all fuck up in someway. Some ways are worser then others but that depends on how the other person views it. Some one might not take this betrayal as serious as I do, while another takes it to a whole new level of seriousness. At the end of the day, this relationship is between Austin and I. No one else.