Journal Number One

November 24th, 2018 // 12:43 p.m.

My family is a disaster, Journal. They're a disaster. They're utter chaos. They're just... unbelievable & hard to live most of the times. I can't live with them... I apparently have another brother who's a year or two younger than me... He's living in Minnesota, apparently. Also, he's coming tomorrow? Like, the hell? What kind of family comes home after all this time? Why now? Why come now?

I don't need him. I don't want him. Also, my parents are fighting again.

It's not ever fun when they're fighting. Every time, they sound like they want me to pick one of their sides, & if I chose the wrong side, I'll be hated from the other side for a week. I can't do this anymore, I can't live anymore...

I can't live with myself or my family anymore. I don't know. I don't matter. I'm not living.

I don't care.

I'm just so done, I can't wait till I die. I have a month & 8 or 9 days left until I can end it all & go.

My therapist thinks I need less therapy now? Like, the fuck? When I get less depressed, I need more therapy, yet if I'm more depressed, I need less? How does that work? I'm not so sure about this anymore because therapy doesn't help me at all these days. I can't focus on school stuff, I can't focus on my volleyball, I can't focus on everything anymore.

I used to have everything under control, but now... I'm losing my mind over what to focus my attention on. I can't find love, I can only find burning hatred. I can't find any friends, I can only find more enemies. I can't find anyone to trust, I only find backstabbing bastards. I don't know.

I'm finding school harder & harder to continue it. Should I drop out? Band & volleyball is taking a toll on me nowadays. I'd get bruised up at a game or practice & then I'd limp to band the next day. I'd also fall asleep time to time during band class from the night before. School seems like they're looking for a reason to suspend me. School also seems like they're out to get me.

I get more worksheets, more problems to do, more homework than the other students. Why? What the hell have I done to you? Is it because I'm depressed as fuck? Is it? Is that it? Is it because you know I get bullied by your students that you take it out all onto me? Is that it for you?

I don't know what's real or what to believe anymore. Everything is fake, fake, fake... Nothing is true, true, true anymore. I don't know what to expect in anything. I just assume everything is going to turn out bad. I'm not so sure about me. I'm not so sure at all anymore.

I'm finding people harder to stand, I'm debating to move somewhere isolated. I want to live in a large house with mountains surrounding it, with no other houses in sight. I want to live there. My idea of living by myself, is me living in total isolation with mountains surrounding me. The perfect living space for me & my house.

I want to go away from my family.

Soon to be goodbye to everyone & the world.

Night, Journal.

Demons...

568 word count.