Journal... I can't continue to live like this.
Pills, drinks, friends, everything; it makes me want to jump off the nearest building's roof. Or it makes me feel really uncomfortable & I want to bury myself alive. I've been trying new things lately; cooking & baking. But, I keep messing up. For some odd reason, it keeps failing. Maybe I'm the one who fails at everything... maybe I'm the monster who lives inside my head. Maybe the demons aren't really there...
But why do I feel like suffocating under their grasp? Why do I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean, but everyone else around me is breathing fine. I'm struggling, can't you see? I can't live on anymore, yet what will my family do if I do die? Will they continue to say that I'm a failure & that I'm the worse? Will they still ridicule me for the things I've messed up on in the past? Will they stop "loving" me?
Or... will they mourn over my death? Mourn on my grave, thinking about how they could've done something, but they couldn't. Will they find themselves looking off into space in the home, thinking where my heavy metal music was? Will they miss me? Will they still "love" me? These questions & for the answers, I do not know.
I do not know if they will love me. I do not know if they will care about me. I do not know if they will mourn over my dead body. I do not know if they will hate me/resent me for the things I have done... but no matter... cause I can't do it anyways. I'm not brave nor strong enough to end it all. I have no strength to end it all. I can't end it all, for the sake of everyone who "cares" about me. I can't do it because I don't know what is going to happen in the afterlife. I'm afraid.
Afraid of my own self. Afraid of my demons. Afraid of my ghosts. Afraid of me. I don't like it one bit. I don't want to give in, I don't want to give up the fight, but it's tempting to just surrender & give it up. It's so tempting to let the demons possess me & relapse again. It's so tempting to die.
I want to give up.
I don't want to give up.
I want to keep fighting for everything. I want to survive this fight.
Yet, all these other factors, the things I do, the things I take... I'm debating to just end it all.
Can I be saved from myself? Can I be saved from the demons who reside my mind? Can I be saved from the abyss that's taking place of my empty heart? Can I be saved from the ghost of a soul who lives in a corpse-like body? Probably not. I knew it. Even the therapists in my past have told me that "Maybe fighting isn't for everyone." That's what everybody fucking said at Rick High School.
Everything is starting to swirl...my mind is starting to slip... my hand is reaching for it... blood is slowly dripping down my arms... I'm getting really tired, sure, I'll sleep. I'll obey you guys this time...
But I have to finish writing. No matter the blood staining the sheets & the paper, I'll finish.
Wait, no I can't...
It hurts too much, I have to end it off here.
Night, Journal.
Hello again, Demons.
587 word count.
YOU ARE READING
Journal Number One
Teen FictionHe was an ordinary student... with only several problems. He had a normal life... until "it" happened. He doesn't know how to cope... so he writes it all down in journals. Hidden in his room. What'll you find? Will you find his smile? Or his happine...
