Cupid's Arrow

December 21 - January 13, Hate

December 21

Mbari has been buried and I feel that parts of my heart have been buried with her. I have read about grief and about loss but this is the first I have ever felt it. Nya says that time will heal these wounds, maybe that is true, for now though, the pain and the wound is too fresh.

December 22

The village continues to function and continues to move forward. These people are amazing, the strength that they possess amazes me. Mbari's mother spoke with me today, she gave me hope. We struggled to communicate but the meaning was clear. Nya helped as well. Mbari's mother wanted me to know that her daughter was now with her ancestors. Her grandmother and grandfather would care for her well. I found a peace of sorts in what she believed. Arrow's do not believe in an afterlife. If we die then we are gone, there is nothing at the end. This belief, an afterlife, that your ancestors are waiting there just on the other side, waiting for you, I find it both difficult to believe and comforting at the same time.

I have also come to the conclusion that every sunset, every sunrise could be the last one that I see. Each breath might be my last, and I have savored it. I know that I am not invincible, my cold, this harsh land constantly reminds me of that, but after Mbari has left me, I have struggled to accept my own mortality. I now understand fear. I understand that something could happen every single day that would end my existence. I have much to ponder.

January 13

I understand.

I have struggled and tried in this village to understand what life is, what it means, death, grief, pain, happiness. While I do not claim perfect understanding, I know. I know that without happiness I would not know grief. Without the memories that I have made, swimming at Lake Quran, playing hide and seek with the children, all the good things that have happened, I would not understand what all this was, happiness without now understanding what sadness was. I would not be able to savor and feel all these things without also having felt grief. Life would be nothing without death, it would be meaningless. I understand that without fear there is no peace. There is an opposite in all of these things.

This understanding does not make loss easier. If it did then the loss would not have meaning. I still hurt. The pain is not easier. However, I can cope with it now. I have also experienced a new emotion.

I hate.

While I understand that there is a purpose to everything that happens I also understand that if Scott had left medicine with these people if he hadn't abandoned them in the first place Mbari would never have died. I have learned the burning, searing, anger that accompanies hatred. There is an individual at fault here. Scott. Mbari's death is on his head, her blood on his hands and I will make sure that he knows it. For Mbari, I will find Scott.