Life in Color ✔️

27~ Hell

I want to scream at him, nothing will ever be ok again.

We get to the hospital, running down the halls. I distinctly remember Uncle John asking where they were before running again, I leave them all behind. I run into the room, Mom's body lying limp on the bed. Blood and bruises covering her like paint of after a day of working.

A single beep fills the room, I shake my head. Doctors rush past me, one nurse tries to pull me from the room. "Ma'am, you can't be in here."

I brush her off of me, "Mom!" I yell, taking a step towards her. "Mommy?"

Arms wrap around me, pulling me from the room, I watch the door close.

*****

I jump from my bed, sweat soaking my body, damp strands of hair stuck to my face. My heart pounds in my chest, fighting to escape. I gasp for air, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. My stomach churns and I run from my bed, completely ignoring my ankle as I try to make it to the bathroom.

I get sick, the acid burning my throat. As I lay on the cold tile, not bothering to get back up, I'm forced to come to reality. My parents died two years ago.

Two years of missed birthdays, food fights, first days of school, and sporting events that they'll never get to experience. Two years since I last felt my mother's lips pressed against my forehead. Heard my dad tell me he loved me.

I realize now that I took it all for granted, their love. A parent is supposed to guide you through the mess we call life, often telling us the things we don't want to hear but need to. They did that for me and I didn't want to hear it, now I would kill for their advice.

I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. Anger? Sadness? Grief? All I feel is empty, like someone's popped me open and poured me out. Just as I accept nothing's left, I begin to cry and I'm reminded all over again that while I may feel empty there are plenty of tears.

It starts silent but eventually the screams come. I muffle them with my fist but nothing stops them. I hug my body tightly and form a ball so small that I feel invisible.

Maybe if I stay this way I can disappear forever.

I cry as the emptiness spreads. My limbs go numb and my eyes sting but I can't stop.

Eventually, when my shirt is soaked with tears to the point that I'm freezing, I get up and hobble to my closet. I find the sweatshirt Ashton gave me the day I picked Saffron up and put it on. He won't be here but this is close enough.

The crying gives me a headache and I face an ultimatum. I can attempt to go downstairs or stay here and have a migraine. I choose to hold my crutches and slide down the stairs.

In the kitchen, I have to force the pills down my throat. I contemplate eating but I don't feel hungry. I'm not really feeling anything at all.

It's 6:30 and the sun is beginning to rise. Did I really cry for hours, it was just after midnight when I woke up. On my way back upstairs I stop on the second floor, face to face with a bunch of pictures. The one of my mom and I on my first birthday catches my eyes and somehow I can feel tears springing back up as I take it in. My birthday party was held late since mom went into labor with Sage the day before my actual birthday. Even after just having a baby my mom looked flawless. Her eyes bright with happiness as I smash a handful of cake onto her face.

At the end of the hallway is the door to my parents room. No one's gone through this door since we moved back in. Something pulls me towards the door, my hand reaching to open it when I hear sniffling. At first, I think it's Sage but he's still asleep along with the twins. I begin to think I'm going crazy when I check Saffrons room.