The Diary of Existing

FIFTY SEVEN

Who, once he hears everything, would not think twice of abandoning me to just be by myself. Sure I had Jacqueline, but what if Jacqueline had found out the truth? She'd run away, run to the hills or call me Morgan the second. She'd want to be far away from me, and she'd say how she now understands how me and Morgan connected so well at the beginning.

I was losing everything, just like I did before I entered the institution, and as I left the institution.

But did I really have anything to lose to begin with?

I eventually found myself on the floor, crying. Crying loud but everyone outside of the room was too occupied with their own conversations and the loud sound of jazz was covering up the sounds that were coming out of me.

I could barely see anything, everything was blurry behind all these tears. And I didn't know how I was going to get past all of this. I was exhausted, I was defeated, I'm losing everything. I just didn't know what else there was to do, but be on the floor and cry my eyes out.

"Alex?!" I heard a panicked voice, and I could barely see who it was, until the person had gotten near me.

"Alexandra, what happened?" My mother was by my side. She was on the ground, her arms around me as she looked at me concerned. It was still blurry but I could tell it was her. Her glass of champagne was next to her on the ground. I never would have imagined my mother on the ground with me, as I cried my eyes out.

"Please take me home..." I pleaded in tears and my mother looked as if someone had just jabbed her with a knife. She was in pain too, was it because she could see me in pain? Did she share my pain? Was she trying to understand my pain? Or was she just scared that I would embarrass her in a room full of people who had recognized her and were her fans?

"Alright. You'll have to help me help you up okay darling?" My mother said, and I was too tired to even find wonder in the fact that she had called me darling which was something that hasn't been said. The last time my mother had called me such an endearment was when I could barely walk by myself.

I grabbed onto the chair I was sitting on earlier, and my other arm and hand were supported by my mother who was being the most gentle with me than she's ever been. It was as if my mother was thrown out the window and replaced by this gentle creature, this gentle gazel who just gave me hope and wonder by the touch.

My mother was attentive and was assuring that I was getting up okay and not going to end up having a misstep and break an ankle. She placed one arm around my waist as she guided me and we began to walk off the room, and I braced myself for the possibility of prying eyes. And as soon as we stepped out the room, people did begin to look.

They were mostly looking at my mother, who was cradling this helpless being next to her.

"Lily, is Alex alright?" Claire approached me, with Angel, Henry and Wesley right behind her. And farther away from them, was Celina and Morgan just watching, voyeurs enjoying their work. And I could tell that my mother was staring directly at Celina.

"We're going to be okay. I just need to take my daughter home, she isn't feeling well. I'm sorry Claire, I hope you understand." My mother excused us and Claire was quick to say it was alright. Wesley was calling for my attention but Claire had stopped him.

People began to open up a path towards the front door for me and my mother, and one of the guests had opened the door for us. My mother thanked them and we were outside, the door behind us still open for the voyeurs to continue the views. My mother's driver spotted us and was quick to pull open the door and my mother and him had gently tried to get me in the car.