It Started with Skinny Jeans

(Ch 12)It Started with an Apology

I stood frozen, unable to articulate a sentence after what he’d just revealed. I could see in his eyes how hard it was for him to open up like this. I felt numb inside and out, like all the emotional baggage I’d been carrying around had been taken from me, allowing me to alleviate the tension I felt.

Was it too much to hope for that Scott actually meant what he’d said just now? Could it be that his hurtful words had all been a lie?

He stepped closer to me, his eyes no longer shielded from the world, from me. In that moment I saw Scott, plain and simple, for whom he is.

His voice lowered. “I know I hurt you more than anybody ever has and I know this doesn’t really help or take that pain away, but I’m – I’m truly sorry.”

I processed his words. “I know it took a lot for you to say all that, but…”

“But what?”

I looked away from him. I couldn’t say what I had to say next and look into his eyes. Part of me didn’t want to ask this, the part I knew had forgiven him as I’d heard what he had to say, but there was a part of me, the part that still bled that wanted more from him. It was a part that needed more.

“But,” I continued, finally finding me strength again, “I need to know, Scott. Do you mean what you say?”

“Of course I do.” he sounded offended that I would even consider asking him this. “Would I be here, pouring everything out if I didn’t?”

“It’s kind of hard for me to believe that. You’ve said so many things to me, many I’m sure are lies.” I held up my hand when he wanted to interrupt. “You’ve been a good actor with me this past month so it’s kind of hard for me to distinguish between the truth and a lie with you.”

“I am telling the truth right now.” He took hold of my hands before I could pull away. “All I said before doesn’t matter. What matters is I am being honest with you right now.”

I felt the strength of his conviction flow through his touch with every word he spoke. It drew me in, almost convincing me that leaving the past behind is better than wallowing in its misery. How easy it would be just to forget and move on, to be back in his arms again.

Too easy.

The past might not affect us right now, but I knew it was a powerful thing that could consume us if we didn’t clear the air and work this out.

I stepped back, taking me hands from his. “Don’t you see, Scott, it does matter. At least I know it does to me. I need to know the truth. That whole thing about you getting into my pants,” He winced as I said that. “I need to know if it was truth or not. How am I supposed to forgive you if I don’t know whether you are playing me again or not? I can’t take that chance. I won’t be hurt like that again.”

“I’m not playing you, Aria. What I said isn’t…”

“Isn’t true?” I offered. “So you lied to me about that.”

“No – I mean yes – no.” he shook his head.

“Which is it, Scott, yes or no?”

He stood, silent, his chest rising and falling as he worked to keep his anger in check. “Both.” He finally answered.

“That’s bull, just like everything else.”

I started to walk away, my anger flaring once again, but he took hold of my hand, stopping me. “Wait, let me explain.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” I tried to free myself but his grip was firm.

“Well that’s tough because I’m going to tell you anyway.”