Breathe Through the Scars

Ch. 3 Part 1 - Blue Devils

     I want to note that looking at my dreams & reading what they're about with details in my Smythson book("Make it Happen") makes me gloomy, frustrated, depressed & angry because I haven't pursued my dreams yet. Anyone who tells me otherwise is just, "making light of the situation." That doesn't help, it makes it worse. I don't read it & keep it tucked away where I know it's safe.
     All the things, ideas, & projects are my dreams that I need to take to fruition. There's no question about it. I don't want to be a "dreamer" anymore. I need to be a do-er. I'm aware that I need to change my life and my mindset in order for change to happen. Except, I don't know how to make that change happen I know I can educate myself by reading books, applying what I know and use that to my advantage.
     I don't feel like doing the things I enjoy each day. I don't get jealous nor envious of anyone. I'm bored with life. I feel like there's no point in doing the things I actually enjoy in life. I feel like I'm in despair. There's literally nothing I can do to make it better. I feel like I am not going to NY at all in my life. I feel like I am stagnant forever. I feel like I won't pursue my dreams. I'd rather not be alive than be stagnant for the rest of my life.
     I absolutely need to get out of my comfort zones for good. I need to drive myself to succeed. I need to pursue what I am passionate about. I need to pursue my ambitions. There's no need for me to live in MA. I have mentally moved on from living here. My mindset is in NY. It hurts way too much that I am not in my favorite city.
     Even if I find roommates in NY, it wouldn't work with me because my mother wouldn't fund it. Plus, she doesn't think anyone would come visit me because no one in my family likes NY. Bullshit! I'll find new friends to hang out with.
     Also, I don't want to be living in MA for another year because I know it will be the same thing that I have been doing the past three years. I abhor living in MA. It doesn't do anything for me. I don't want to be lying to myself anymore & thinking things will get better better even though they won't. The job that I have won't get me to NY. I'd rather live my life, live my dreams beyond their potential in NY. I have dreams bigger than me & I feel like their being delayed all the time.
     I feel like it sucks to be me. I'm not brave. It doesn't show that I am. I haven't been fearless in my life. I haven't been pursuing my dreams in my twenties, like most millennials do. I went through soooo much that hindered my ability to pursue my dreams in my twenties. I don't even know what it's like to pursue what I am passionate about. I don't know what it's like to bring dreams to fruition. I don't fucking know what that means to bring dreams to life, to reality. I'm aware that I'm not delusional, even though I've been told otherwise. Because I have dreams that are bigger than me, doesn't mean I can't pursue them. Because I have anxiety & depression, doesn't mean my dreams won't come to fruition. It's all complete bullshit. I can over anxiety and depression. I can rise above what I want to accomplish.
     I realize that words mean nothing if action is not taken. However, being stagnant on every level does not help my situation. My story is not even inspiring. I want it to be inspired by those who have gone through what I have been through. I feel like my prayers have not been answered. I prayed for about three years & stopped early February of 2018. Only because my second cousin told me that prayers don't work if action is not taken.
      If my life was funded for all my dreams, then I'd actually take action on my dreams. Since it's not, there's nothing I can do. I want  my dreams to come to fruition more than anything in the world. I feel like I haven't lived my life in twelve years. It hurts too much. I should be traveling the world, making memories with friends, someone special, experiencing life all the time & making the most out of life. Instead, I'm doing the same thing I do each week. It's mentally painful. It is emotionally painful. I'm mentally stressed out & it shows on my skin.
     I feel like I'm over thinking a little bit in terms of when I listen to a song & I'm thinking that it might relate to what I am thinking in the moment or it relates to my situation. For example: I was watching the ACM awards(American Country Music) & Bebe Rexha & Florida Georgia Line were performing the song, "Meant to be." I feel like it's meant to be for me to move my life to NY. I've been wanting to move my life there for 12 years now. Sometimes, when I think about my dreams, what I want to pursue, when I write about it in my journal, I cry silently so that no one can hear me. I have cried myself to sleep because I was soooo upset that I haven't pursued my dreams yet. I feel like my dreams are being delayed each year & I hate it sooo much. I've always wanted to pursue my dreams. I've always wanted to move my life to NY. I've read quotes about success, motivation, dreams, wealth & freedom on Tumblr & Instagram. I want to know what they are talking about because right now, I don't know what they mean. I know I want to be wealthy in friends, food, memories, experiences, fashion, dance background, networking with those I can connect with, money & family. It's not about the money, it's about the freedom that I crave. I miss NY every second of my life, I miss the dreams I haven't pursued yet. Every day, I feel like I'm not outside of my comfort zone at all in every level. I need to depart my comfort zones for good. I feel like leaving to go to NY would be going home, where I really belong. I believe I can change myself for good, but living in MA won't be like that. There's no point to changing myself while living here. I miss the life I want. I miss the lifestyle I want. They say it takes 10 years for that one year to change your life. It's been 12 years & I don't know what that means. I wish to know what that means so that I can change my life. I dream of the day that I write about positive change in my life, like I'd be moving to NY & pursuing everything that I want & living the life that I want. I dream of the day that I leave my comfort zones for good. I don't even know when that's going to happen. It makes me depressed & upset because that's so far away into th future - meaning years & years ahead. That's what it feels like anyway.
     Every year, I tell myself that I will go to NY for my birthday & then I don't go. I get upset if I don't go to NY each year. Meaning, I cry, sob, wanting to yell but don't, pull out my hair & stay in bed for as long as I can. I feel like it's insanity because I expect myself to go to NY, & I then I don't go. It's money that is holding me back. Nothing else is. I don't know how to talk about it with my friends because I don't like to talk about it. It's a sensitive subject to me. I'm aware that the job I have won't get me to NY, not anytime soon. It hurts too much to bear.
     I hate it here. I don't want to be in MA anymore. Nothing happens while living here. I go to my dance classes, I have a job at night for three nights a week as a hostess, I'm learning Farsi, I'm supposed to be learning Italian, sometimes I do yoga in the morning, I'm supposed to be reading to educate myself & that's it.
     I miss the dreams I haven't pursued yet. I feel like I can't do anything about what I want to pursue in MA. I feel like I can pursue my dreams in NY. I would take dance classes at Broadway Dance Center, intern with fashion stylists, go to Shapeways in NY to figure out how I can bring my 3D printed sunglasses idea to fruition.
     I feel like my emotional stress is making me physically stressed & I don't like it at all. I can't stop thinking about my dreams, what I want to pursue, what drives me, what motivates me, & my ambitions. I don't go a day without thinking about all these things. I think about it every second of my life. The thing is - that I don't want to be writing about how sad my life is for another year or the next four or five years. My dreams shouldn't be delayed. My pursuits shouldn't be delayed anymore. I want my pursuits more than anything. I want to travel the world more often. I want the freedom. I want the freedom & that's what I am after. I want to be wealthy in experiences, memories, food, friends & not only about the money. I want to he wealthy in the sense that it shows what I can do on my dance resumé & same goes for fashion.
     I can't stop thinking about my pursuits, NY, my dreams and everything coming to fruition. I'm fucking 27. I keep telling myself that I don't want to be x age & not have pursued my dreams yet. There's a certain time limit for a dancer to stop & I don't want to reach that age and then stop dancing. In fashion, there's no time limit. I have to move to NY asap to pursue my dreams, my goals.  It's rare that I get outside of my comfort zones. Whenever I am outside of my physical comfort zone & in NY, physically I feel happier. Whenever I have left NY, I question myself as to why this is happening & why I didn't find a place to stay in NY. It makes me really sad on every level when I leave NY. I'm not even happy in MA. I haven't been in a long time. Obviously, I'd rather live in NY than be here. I'm on the wrong path and this story isn't serving me. I need to create my own success story. I need to create my own path. I need to move out. Every year, I feel like I am going to NY & then I don't. I hate it. I feel like I'm lying to myself to ease the mental & emotional pain I feel through every day.