the one about millie-bing

eleven- The One with Chandler's 'Girlfriend'

----

Everyone sat at the theater along with Ryan as they were waiting for Joey's play to start. "Oh! Look! Look! There is Joey's picture," Rachel said reading the program, "This is so exciting!" "You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom.." Chandler said. "I am proud of Joey, ya know." Millie said as the lights dimmed. "Oh shh, magic is about to happen.." Ross said to everyone. The lights go up to the stage as Joey is talking to a female patient. "Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear." Joey said as he starts to sing, "All you want is a dingle, What you envy's a schwang, a thing through which you can tinkle or play with or simply let hang.."

"I will be looking more into getting him a job.." Ryan said wrapping his arm around Millie as she smiled whispering, "Please do.."

----

---

The play ended as everyone started to applaud as the group groaned and sat heavily. "God, I feel violated." Ross mumbled. "Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?" Monica asked. Chandler looked across the room seeing a woman slapping Ross's shoulder. "Ross, ten o'clock.." He said as Ross looked over. "Is it? Feels like two?" Ross said as Chandler rolled his eyes hitting his shoulder again. "No, ten o'clock.."

"What?"

Chandler sighed as he gestures to explain, "There is a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock." He said. "Oh.. he-loooo.." Ross said. "She is amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look short, fat, bald men!" Chandler said as he looked down a little as his feet, "Well expect one.."

"Well go talk to her Chandler, she might be all over you.." Ryan said smirking as Chandler's face fell. "Chandler she will like you.." Millie told him as he smiled. "What would be my opening line? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.." He said sarcastically.

"Oh come on, she is a person, you can do it."

"Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross back me up!" Chandler said motioning to her. "He could never get a woman like that in a million years." Ross said as his face fell. "Thank you, buddy.." Chandler sarcastically said to him. "Oh, you could always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those." Phoebe said.

"Y'think?"

"Yeah.." They all said expect Ryan as he just rolled his eyes. "Oh God, I can not believe I am even considering this," Chandler said, I am very aware of my tongue." "C'mon!" Ross told him. Chandler started to walk over to her. "Does he not talk to many girls does he?" Ryan asked as everyone turned to him. "Not many unless they have a annoying voice.." Phoebe told him as he laughed.

"Really annoying." Millie mumbled, "And I only met her once and I hope that will be the last time I do." Joey entered from behind the curtain. "Hey! Your in a play! I did not know you could dance! You had a beard!" They all said. "What did you think?" Joey asked them as they all paused looking at each other. "Hey! Your in a play! I did not know you could dance! You had a beard!" They all said again. "C'mon you guys," Joey started, "It was not that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls." Chandler ran over, "She said yes!" Chandler then looked over at Joey, "Awful play, man.." "That is great Chandler." Millie said to him.

----

At Central Perk everyone else was there as Chandler entered. "Hey, kids." Chandler said to everyone as he sat on the couch as Phoebe was reading Monica's palm, "No, 'cause this line is passion and this is just a line." Phoebe said to Monica. "Well, I can not believe I have been here almost seven seconds and you haven't even asked me how my date was!!" Chandler told everyone. "Oh right," Monica said as she then asked, " How was your date Chandler?" "It was unbelievable! I have never met anyone like her, she had this most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army.." Chandler then said, "Oh and she just wants something sexual.. while she dates like other people.. " "Aw, I am so sorry Chandler it did not work out.." Millie mumbled.

"What 'not work out?' I am seeing her again on Thursday. Did you not listen to the story?"

"Did you listen to the story?" Millie asked him, "It is twisted." "I agree, how could you get involved with a woman like this?" Monica asked him. "Well y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff," Chandler explained, "I get all the fun, all the talking, all the sex, and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guys fantasy." "Oh yeah, that is not true! Ross what is your fantasy?" Phoebe aske him.

"No! Of course not," Ross said as he thought for a moment, "Yeah, yeah it is!" "What? So you guys do not mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?" Monica asked the guys. "I couldn't do it.." Joey said. "Good for you, Joey." Monica said. "When I am with a woman, I need to know I am going out with more people than she is!" Joey said as the girls rolled their eyes. "Well y'know monogamy can be a, uh tricky concept. I mean anthropologically speaking-" Ross was cut off by everyone pretending to be asleep. "Fine! Fine! Alright you will never know!" Ross told them.

"We are kidding! C'mon tell us!" Monica told him. "Yeah, C'mon!" They all said. "Alright, there is a theory put by forth Richard Leakey-" Once again they all pretend to fall asleep.

---

The next morning Millie walked into Monica's apartment as Joey came in behind her with a paper. "Here, I need to borrow some moisturizer." As Millie poured her some coffee as she rose an eyebrow. "For what?" Monica asked him. "What do you think?" He asked her, "Today is the big day!" As Millie laughed sitting down sipping on her coffee. "Oh my God, go into the bathroom use whatever you want, just do not ever tell me what you did in there!"

"Thank you!" He said going to the bathroom as Millie and Monica shared a look as they just laughed. Chandler then entered with the phone. "Where is Joey? His mom is on the phone." Chandler asked. "He is in the bathroom, I do not think you wanna go in there!" Millie warned him sipping her coffee. "C'mon we are roommates!" He said as he goes to the bathroom as he ran back out, "MY EYES, MY EYES!" "I warned you.." Millie said to him. "Who is being loud?" Rachel asked. "Oh that would be Monica, hey listen I want to borrow a couple of things, Aurora spent the night and I want to make her breakfast." Chandler said to them. "With out burning it down?" Millie asked sarcastically as he turned to her slowly.

"I can cook!" He stated as she laughed. "Yeah, like what? Canned Ravioli?" She asked as his face fell as he was offended. "Hey, hey.. just you wait!" He said as she started laughing. "I will be waiting with a fire extinguisher!" She said sarcastically as he just smiled. "You will get my cooking and fall out!" He said.

"Yeah fall out dead."