The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

A Tale As Old As Time

"What's up faaaaaam?!" Said the toad as he pushed out his lips preparing for a kiss. "I am a toad and I love to kiss, therefore kiss me!"

The pretty princess said, "Gross! I don't want your lips to touch me, let alone stare at me."

The toad replied, "My lips don't have eyes. So they can't stare at you."

The princess said, "Are you sure? Have you looked in a mirror?"

The toad replied, "No I haven't, I actually do not own a mirror."

The princess was shocked and said, "You don't own a mirror?! I own several. A princess always owns mirrors. I have to stare at myself at least 20 times a day...minimum!!!! But I do restrict myself to a maximum of 100 glances into a mirror each day."

The toad replied, "That is reasonable....Soooooo, you are not going to kiss me?"

The princess was appalled, she shouted, "No! Yucky! No! Never ever ever! You can kiss this ugly witch though."

The ugly witch said, "Pucker up hot stuff." As she closed her eyes and puckered her lips.

The toad closed his eyes and grimaced as he kissed the witch. After the two separated their lips, the ugly witch noticed she got a wart from the toad.

The princess filmed the kiss and put it on Instagram. She shouted, "I can't believe you just did that! You just kissed a toad! Yuck! Yuck! Double, triple, nay....infinite yuck! You kissed a toad! You kissed a toad!"

The toad smiled and joined in on the chant, "You kissed a toad!"

The witch turned red in embarrassment and said with malice, "You know what....I curse the both of you! EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!!!"

Harry Potter suddenly appeared and said, "Did someone just swagger-jack my spell?"

The princess and the toad both pointed at the witch and said in unison, "She did!"

The witch was embarrassed once again, she then asked Harry Potter, "Do you actually own the spell?"

Harry Potter replied, "Yes I do own the spell...I also own this bag of Jelly Beans. You owe me a licensing fee...now!" He then pointed his wand at her in a menacing way and continued his demands, "Give me your lunch money, now! Or I will cast a spell on yo ugly ass."

The witch pulled out her wallet and nervously stated, "I have a credit card...I don't carry cash. Who carries cash now? Do you accept Apple pay, or can I just Venmo you?

Harry Potter looked up to the sky and rubbed his chin as he pondered, "Yeah....Yeah, Venmo will do. That will be $12 please."

The witch replied, "What is your Venmo username?"

Harry Potter was apprehensive in his response, he said, "Uh....it's Harry, underscore, POTHEAD"

The witch declared, "Okay I just sent you the money. Now please leave."

Harry Potter smiled and said, " Thank you....I bid you adieu." He jumped on a broom and tried to ride off, but nothing happened. "Oh this is quite awkward...this isn't my magic broom. This is just a house broom...Did anyone see where a placed my magic broom? Anyone? Anyone? Hello, hello out there!? Does anyone know where my magic broom is?"

The princess was staring at herself in the mirror, "No I was too busy staring at myself." She stated.

The toad zoomed across the sky riding on Harry Potter's magic broom and said with glee, "Hahahahahaha fuck you Harry Potter! I am team Voldemort! P.S. I FUCKED YO BITCH!!!!"

The toad then flew off in laughter as Harry Potter stood on the ground stunned, and utterly defeated.

The End