The Greatest Myths, Legends, Fables, Fairy Tales, & Short Stories Ever Told.

The Stinky Pickle

There once lived a stinky pickle, he smelt like a can of sardines doused in Axe Body Spray.

People would walk by and loudly exclaim, "P.U! You stink!"

Stinky Pickle would smile and say, "Yep! That's why they call me Stinky Pickle." He was proud of his stench.

Other pickles hated Stinky Pickle because he wasn't like the rest of the pickles. They thought he was giving other pickles a bad name due to his stench. They said, "Stop going by Stinky Pickle just go by Stinky. We don't want you to be associated with us."

Stinky Pickle said, "I am a pickle....Do you want me to get transformed into something else?"

The other pickles said in unison, "Yes!"

Stinky Pickle replied, "How in the hell am I supposed to do that?"

Dr. Frankenstein appeared and said, "I can help with that."

The next day Stinky Pickle arrived at Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. Dr. Frankenstein was laughing in the corner next to his Tesla coils like a madman, while electrical sparks were discharging into the air. Dr. Frankenstein's assistant Dexter was playing the organ in a haunting manner while fiendishly laughing as well.

Stinky Pickle said, "Knock, knock, um...hello...sorry to ruin all the fun but... I'm here."

Dr. Frankenstein said, "Yes we knew you were here, solely from the smell. You smell atrocious."

Dexter puked from the smell and said, "Have you heard of a shower or a bath....May I spray you down with the hose outside? Or spray you with some Febreze? Anything! My nose cannot handle this!!!" Dexter puked once more.

Stinky Pickle placed his fists on his hips and proudly stood in his ambiance and stated, "That is why I am known all around the world as, Stinky Pickle."

Dr. Frankenstein interjected, "So Stinky Pickle what if I were to say that I could make you into something that is far different than a pickle. It would be unrecognizable to mankind. You could transform into some new species of pickle. Would you like that?"

Stinky Pickle replied, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, I sure would Doc! Plus the other pickles could finally shut their mouths about me being a pickle. I don't want to be like those other pickles anyway. They are sour and boring."

Dr. Frankenstein said with cheer, "Perfect! Well let us not waste any time then, come, come, come at once! Lay down on the operating table. Dexter please grab my transformation kit. It's showtime!"

Dr. Frankenstein put on his gloves and his goggles. Dexter plugged in his phone and began playing the original pump-up jam, "Let's Get Ready to Rumble by Jock Jams." The sound ensued *Are you ready for this! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!*

Dr. Frankenstein, Dexter and Stinky Pickle danced through the song's entirety. When the song concluded, the operation began.

The Tesla coil discharged a few electrical sparks into the air and voila, the operation was complete.

Stinky Pickle awoke and looked at himself in the mirror and screamed in terror, "Ahhhhh! What did you do to me!?"

Dr. Frankenstein said, "We made you into a monster. Now you will be known as Stinky Monster. You are welcome. Now that will be five thousand dollars please. Tips are not mandatory but they are encouraged and appreciated. Thank you!"

Stinky Monster cried out, "Change me back! I don't want to be a monster, I want to be a pickle again!"

Dexter slapped Stinky Monster in his stinky face and shook him violently back and forth, "You need to calm down! Get a hold of yourself! You cannot be causing a scene like this in public. When you were just a pickle you could have gotten away with this sort of behavior but now that you are a monster, shoot...if they see you acting this hysterical they will lock you up or just murder you on sight."

Stinky Monster weeped hysterically for 45 minutes straight and then paid Dr. Frankenstein for the operation and went out into society.

As soon as he stepped outside the laboratory, Henry J. Waternoose, CEO of Monsters Incorporated, was waiting for him. He stopped Stinky Monster and said, "You sir! How would you like to be a scarer? We offer competitive wages, dental insurance, medical insurance, and even a 401K retirement plan. How does that sound to you?"

Stinky Monster replied, "I've never done it before...you know, scare people. I do not think I am capable of such a feat."

Mr. Waternoose chuckled and responded, "Nonsense my good boy! With a face like that, you don't need practice! They will be scared shitless as soon as they take one look at that mug of yours. Plus your smell is still as pungent as ever! That sort of deadly combination will make you one of our top scarers in no time!"

Stinky Monster said, "How can I disagree with a spider wearing a bowtie? I'm in."

After only one month at Monsters Incorporated, Stinky Monster became one of the top scarers, just like Mr. Waternoose predicted. He called home to tell everyone about his success, he said, "Hey everybody, I'm successful now. I am one of the top scarers here at Monsters Incorporated."

The other pickles said, "You are a phony! You aren't a real monster, you are a pickle pretending to be a monster. Scram!"

His parents said, "Stop pretending and grow up. Get a real job."

Stinky Monster said, "This is a real job. I am getting paid and I get benefits."

His parents replied, "Rubbish, just plain rubbish. I mean a real job where you have a computer, you use Microsoft Office, a printer and copier, you know...a real job. Not some job working for a spider who wears a suit jacket but no suit pants. He is walking around with his spider dick out! A real company would never allow such a thing! Human Resources would have a field day with him."

Stinky Monster rolled his eyes and said, "Psshhhh.... DJ Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith were right, parents just don't understand."

Stinky Monster spent the next year at Monsters Incorporated, but he was dissatisfied. His success didn't seem to impress his family nor his friends back home. He began to drink, heavily, and one day, tragedy struck. He was piss drunk one night off a bottle of Jagermeister, and fell into a bathtub that recently had its bathwater infused by a Bath Bomb from Lush. 

The Bath Bomb-infused water instantly wiped away Stinky Monster's disgusting stench.

He lost his identity. He now was no longer a pickle, nor was he the thing he was most proud of, being stinky. He fell into depression and did not know who he was anymore. He didn't seek out a new identity, instead he attempted to live in the past.

He tried to transform himself back into a pickle, but to no avail. He rolled around in dog shit, slept in trash cans, and ate loads of garlic hummus, hoping to become stinky again, but that too did not manifest.

He quit his job, moved back home, and got a job working at Citibank's collection department. He spent the rest of his life feeling sorry for himself and hating his predicament. He lost all passion and drive, and died in the middle of a phone call attempting to collect payment on a debt.

The End