Family Ties | JJK

28: Skin Deep

The increasing tension threatened to burst and spill into the night, an avalanche created by all eight of you. You all collectively could feel the peak of the night approaching, and you knew it would not be pretty.

'Don't you ever talk about 'using me' again, or you won't see the next day, I promise you. I've faced it before, and won, not one of you has any fucking right to plan how to 'use' me. Understand?'

Your anger laces each word with venom and you have no control. You're sure you will regret the severity of your words tomorrow. But your reaction is skin deep, a defence you learnt over too many years being abused mentally.

You learnt to fight with your words and win.

But something is different. The boys in front of you don't look at you with the vicious evil you recognise, instead, they look painfully worried and guilty.

Tears almost threaten to escape from Jimin's eyes.

There is a second of silence where the boys begin to realise the weight of their words, and the irrevocable damage they have caused.

No words could fix this.

But still, Namjoon tries.

'Y/N I'm so sorry, we're all sorry, I don't know what to say. We were stupid and I can't believe we hurt you. I can't imagine how much what we did must have upset you.'

'Not upset, don't worry yourself, no big deal right?' Your self-defence kicks in, in the face of their emotion. This you can't deal with.

'Y/N, please,' a small whisper from Hoseok, whose face looked all the more terrible etched with sorrow rather than joy.

'I'm used to it, I don't deserve anything, so how did I expect nothing and still get disappointed?'

'I can't ever forget this, the way you all saw me for a second, too painfully similar to how my father, Kang Sun and every gang leader I've ever faced looked at me. The exact same look.'

You tremble with unrestrained emotion, and you're scared it will explode if you don't leave, and a small part of you doesn't want to disrespect them all. They gave you a roof over your head, clothes, memories and a home. You may be broken but so are they, you think. They all look as lost as you at this moment.

From next to you Tae tries to speak but your voice carries over him, you realise you can't stop your outpour. Turning towards his shining eyes for a second all you want to do is squeeze him in a cuddle he always managed to wind up sharing with you, no matter how much you grumbled (half-heartedly).

The memory is only more painful, no one could hurt you more than them you think, right now you can't even look at Jungkook for fear of total heartbreak.

Jin opens his mouth for the first time, but the voice that pleads with you is from someone else, someone much more worse.

Yoongi doesn't speak about emotions often, his actions speaking louder than words can, and those unspoken feelings get put into his lyrics.

But this time he fights for what he feels.

'Y/N, your angry, I understand too, I was angry at the world, for how I was treated as an idol rapper, how society labelled my band, but I was never angry at those around me who cared for me.'

'It's not the same,' you cut through, gritting your teeth at the unexpected openness.

'It is.'

He carries on, 'I know we made a terrible mistake, all of us,' the boys around him nod, 'but I know a lot of your anger right now is from all those years ago, pushing through now when you're so close to losing it all, your angry at them, the world, not us.' He pauses and gathers a breath, and the words that follow hit you where you're most afraid, 'don't run now, don't lose us, we're sorry.'

At this, he looks at you and you can't look away.

Tae and Jungkook edge closer to your trembling form.

Jungkook speaks for the first time and it is only a single word, he knows you too well, can see all the thoughts running through your mind, can sense the fear. He knows you're close to running.

He whispers into your ear, breath so closes it flushes your face.

'Don't.'

And that speaks more than any words so far tonight.

But your past was too alive still, living and breathing inside you.

Self-preservation urges you to run from the unknown.

You remember their words only moments before, and Kang Sun's evil voice whispers in your ear, 'people make you weak, and the weak die, we are not weak. We survive, we run and we fight.'

One too many years he manipulated you.

You were angry and betrayed, so you began to close off, but then they looked at you with regret and remorse and were fighting each other for you to listen to their apology.

You expected an argument, harsh words, insults that cut deep. That's what you were used to.

The situation had changed, this was an unseen development.

This acceptance and apology and sorrow from the boys was scary in a completely new way.

And in every deal when you were scared or unprepared, your alarms rang and you got the hell out.

This was no different.

You rose slowly and carefully, not letting your fear and hurt spill out like the first wave of a tsunami.

But that pain must have been evident because not one of the boys stayed sitting. They all rose with you and looked like they all had more to say- More words of regret that make you curl up like a wounded animal seeking defence.

One thing living in the Mob had not prepared you for? True, pure, real affection and care.

In a broken voice you cry out, 'I can't.'

You rise and run to your room.

So bitterly close.

Run. Survive.

**