Before They Were Reunited [Bensler Fan Fic]

~38~

Olivia's POV

When I woke up on the day of Hanna's first birthday, I felt like a huge gray storm cloud was floating over me. Hanna's first birthday was supposed to be a fun affair, but I didn't even really want to celebrate it, but I needed to. I needed to try and get through these small milestones and realize that I'll be okay without my husband.

I sat up in bed and pushed my hair out of my face, before looking at my phone. Alex, Casey, Matthew, and Fin had already messaged me to see if I was okay. I completely ignored those and got up to shower.

As I was heading into the bathroom, I heard Hanna start to cry. I shut the shower off and quickly left the bathroom and headed towards her nursery. When I opened the door, Hanna was standing in her crib with sleepy eyes.

"Hey, princess. How are you doing baby?" I asked, as I walked over and picked her up. I cuddled her close, before going over and sitting in the rocking chair that Martin had gotten for me when he did up Hanna's nursery. He had carved Hanna's name into the headrest, and even if it barely fit in the nursery, I couldn't sell it.

Hanna let out a yawn as she cuddled against my chest and shoved her thumb into her mouth. I rubbed her back gently as I started to hum softly. Martin used to hold Hanna when she was fussy and hum a few notes over and over again and she loved it. If only he was here to hum it with me.

"Ma." Hanna yawned, and I swallowed hard.

"Baby girl, do you want something for breakfast? Then I can call Aunt Alex and see if she can come over?" I asked, and she didn't respond, but I knew she was hungry. She had her father's appetite and was always hungry right after she woke up.

---

After taking a quick shower, I went out and started to clean up my apartment while Hanna played with her rag doll.

"Auntie Alex is here!" Alex exclaimed as she opened my apartment door without even knocking. Hanna started to babble random things, as Alex walked over to her. She swung her up and covered her cheeks in kisses as I continued to toss random toys into her toy box.

"So, she needs a bath and I have to go and pick up her cake. Then Fin is bringing pizza and Matthew is getting ice cream." I spoke, before heading into the kitchen and starting to fill the sink with hot water so I could do the dishes from last night.

"Do you have any decorations?" Alex asked, and I turned around to stare at her.

"Was I supposed to get decorations?" I asked.

"It's her first birthday! You need balloons and streamers." Alex exclaimed, and I swallowed hard. I turned around and leaned against the counter as tears streamed down my cheeks.

"Oh, love don't cry. I'll take Hanna and we can go pick out stuff." Alex spoke, as she walked over and stood next to me.

"This is too hard, Alex. Hanna was supposed to celebrate her first birthday with her father. Not just me and you all. But with him too."

---

I left my house and went to the closest party supply store. I got like a dozen balloons, and then I searched for streamers, plates, and napkins. I guess that I wasn't really made for the whole party planning thing, and I didn't know what a real birthday was supposed to look like because I never celebrated mine.

"I heard that you may need some help," Martha spoke, as she found me in the back of the store. I turned to look at her and swallowed hard.

"Hey, you didn't need to come. I can figure this out."

"You are my daughter. Matthew is too goofy to get a wife, so you will be my only daughter." She spoke quietly.

"How can I do this? I don't even know how to plan a party that my daughter will never remember! How can I do this for the rest of her life? I'm not even a good mother." I sighed, as I dug my fingernails into my palms.

"It gets easier. And she may not remember, but you will. Just do your best, and we can all pick up the slack."

---

Hanna's face was covered in light pink frosting shortly after the cake was set in front of her. Everyone was taping her eating the cake, and we all laughed when she managed to get actual cake and not just frosting in her onesie.

"She is like the female version of her father." I laughed, as I took Hanna's bib off because it wasn't doing its job anyway.

"Exactly!" Casey exclaimed as she took a few more pictures as Fin, Nick, and Cragen ate cake and watched from a distance. Matthew was all involved in this all and had insisted on having Hanna release her balloons on the roof after cake, and he was preparing them while Hanna finished her cake.

I folded the bib and sat down and rested it on my lap as Hanna looked at me and squinted her eyes as she smiled at me. I closed my eyes for a moment as I thought about my husband. I didn't want to feel sad, but it was hard not to. Hanna was so much like Martin, and she wasn't even a full-blown human yet. Like she was going to change considerably as she got older and her personality showed more. But as of right now, she's just a small goofball that loves to cuddle and pull on my hair.

"Liv, don't cry," Alex whispered, as she sat down next to me. I looked over at her and swallowed hard.

"I miss him more than I ever have today."

---

3 Months Later

I had Hanna settled firmly on my hip as I tried to avoid rocks as I walked towards Martin's grave. Today it's been a year since he passed, and after sobbing for a good hour, I knew that I had to do something to remember my husband. 

"Mama." Hanna sniffled, as she buried her head in the crook of my neck. It was cold, and even if we were both dressed warmly, the cold just seemed to hit us a bit harder.

"I know, baby. We are just going to drop these flowers off and go get you something to eat. I know you love oatmeal." I smiled softly, as I rubbed her back gently.

I took a few more steps before finding Martin's grave. I stopped and sank down onto the cold dirt, before setting the flowers down. I moved Hanna onto my lap and held her close before swallowing hard.

"Hey, Martin. Hanna and I miss you so much, and even though you aren't here, I needed to make sure you know how much we love you."

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