The Days I Spent With You

Deceived

Wall #5:

To the first person who made this life a little more barrable,

You taught me that even the people who feel like everything, can become nothing in a matter of moments.

That all it takes is one bad day or one moment that you are not proud of to change everything. You taught me what it was like to give my all to someone, for nothing in return. For nothing but the relentless task of putting myself back together every time it was convenient for you to take it all apart again.

For every bad day and month that you had, I had to bare it. For every moment that you were in pain, you had to make me feel that pain too. For every moment that you needed to transfer your emotions onto someone else, I was your endless and broken place to throw all of those feelings onto and into. I was consumed and stuck in the most grueling place I have ever been in; I grew up here.

The worst part about this is that you weren't always this way. You used to care about what consumed my heart and my mind and you used to care about all the directions I was going in; or maybe, that was just something that I was able to convince myself of. You used to let me speak my mind and speak the things that consumed me the most, until your life became more significant than mine. To you, this was always a competition as to who could be more broken; I was never competing, I was just simply living.

I did learn who I was within you, but more importantly I learned exactly who I was not.

I learned love and loss in all their different forms here. I learned understanding in this place, and this was where I first learned to share all the words I am currently speaking. I have opened up my eyes and my heart to the world here, but now it is time to do the same thing towards you to realize that I have lost myself in you.

To realize that behind all the good moments we have ever shared, you have always been taking advantage of my kindness and of my heart; because no matter what you made me bare, to any extent, you knew that I would always be here at the end of the day. That I would always stay right here, no matter how broken, no matter how exhausting it was to stay, that I would always choose you over every single one of those things. That I would choose you because I could never even bare the thought of hurting another human being; you knew that too well.

Wall number five; a wall I built for having to keep my heart from opening up further towards the people who never deserved it. For never putting myself first, for being taken advantage of, for believing that I was always in the wrong. A wall I built for being stuck in a labyrinth for way too long.