The Days I Spent With You

Broken

Wall #1:

To the first man I have ever known,

You have taught me that sometimes, there is not going to be someone who you can turn to.

You have taught me the wrong ways to deal with the situations that are presented in front of me. That avoiding them and running from them were options you would have always chosen to take whenever it had anything to do with me. You have taught me that keeping everything inside was something that I needed to do for the sake off keeping us all together; that losing my mind for the sake of someone else was acceptable. That some words, were better left unsaid.

Searching for the self that I have lost in you would be nothing but an endless cycle.

You were the first person to teach me what it meant for a home to become nothing more than a house; nothing more than four walls and a doorway that I found myself stuck in for a very long time.

This is not a safe place. My emotions have always been lesser. I have always been lesser.

In you was where I first learned the meanings of distrust and disappointment. In you was where I first learned that at the end of the day, I would only have myself to turn to instead of the support you could have given to me. You were the first person to make me feel as though I was truly alone in a world filled with an abundance of people, because of the endless amount of nights that I spent in what was once a home without your presence and guidance.

In you, I have learned to run from loss and I have learned all the improper ways to deal with it. I have learned that I would have to run from myself so that the pain would stop because of the voids and empty pieces you have left there; because of all the words you have chosen to speak to me, as they were the only few that ever made their way out.

In my own mind was the most unwelcoming place to be and because of you, I have had to figure out this whole world and its beings on my own when nothing made sense. I have had to figure out that moments will be nothing but moments whenever they had anything to do with you; they were always temporary and because of this, I have believed that everything else is as well. 

Engraved into the back of my mind is the need and the will to become greater than all I have been shown because of all the moments we have spent on two opposing sides. I am not understood here, but I have spent my whole life trying to understand you. I have spent my whole life trying to become everything you will never be.

We have always been dealing with the same missing pieces, but you never came to the realization that you could have found all of yours in me while I was trying to find all of mine you; you never will. Now, I see all the moments that I am not proud of within who you are and still, I try to see the best in you. Still, I try to see the best in everyone who has done me wrong because I have spent my whole life doing exactly that with you.

You were the first person to teach me how loud the silence could be, and how to find comfort in being alone.

For a seemingly endless amount of years later, here we are; and we have not moved one step and not long ago, I realized that more than likely, we never will.

Wall number one; a wall I have built because of the one you have kept between us since I entered this world. Wall number one, a wall I have built for never knowing home.