Inside My Mind

I just... can't

This week, it's been hectic. I've been so depressed, then suddenly happy only to get depressed again. I'm so sick of this - of people breaking me down then acting like nothing happened.

For nearly a year, I've been so relieved to have amazing friends by my side. I've lost and made friends, but in the end, everything's been fine.

Things are different now.

This past week has been ups and downs. The past 3 days have completely torn me apart. I just can't take any of this anymore. I feel like I have no one. I know there are people who care about me and will be there for me, but this is all too much.

I don't want to be lectured and told to try to he happy, I want someone to understand and promise they won't leave. I'm sick and tired about hearing people are sorry and they wish they could help or telling me that I just need to think positively and be happy.

I. Can't.

I've tried everything to be happy and nothing's working. Being positive has only made things worse. I feel like a piece of ice being thrown in a freezing glass of water. I can feel the cracks and pain everything is causing, but it's not fully breaking me.

It breaks me on the inside while the outside is left untouched. I could barely get out of bed today. Not only did I feel like shit and worthless, but I was also scared.

I was scared for the first time since leaving my abusive step dad. I feared for my life. I played dead twice and pretended to sleep just so I wouldn't have to get up or being yelled at.

I wouldn't be able to take it. I relapsed last night and I was so worried I'd try something worse if I was yelled at. Or worse, possibly hit and beaten.

It's only been a year since I met Alex. I barely ever talk about him anymore. After my cousin told him I was in love with him, I just couldn't bring myself to make it seem like I found any kind of interest in him. His name, what he does, how he's doing, his face, the bands he likes, who he dates - everything about him is taboo.

I love him, he's my friend, but the way people are saying I talk about him makes it look like I love him as more than that. Maybe, once upon a time, I had feelings for him, but I did my best to kill those feelings off and lead a life with him as only a friend.

I honestly can't remember if he reads my stuff or if he even still has an account. Either way, I know we're both sick of dealing with people telling us to get together or me having to constantly reassure people he's just a friend and he having to hear from people he doesn't even know that I'm in love with him.

I won't give a name, but I had a "friend" tell one of my friends that he wished Alex dead only because he's in love with me. From there, it was sent to a different friend and then to Alex. He thinks Alex ruined my friendship with him, when it was in fact his obsession with me.

Alex, if you are reading this, I'm sorry about him. I know you don't want to talk to me because of what happened. It's okay. He wasn't lying about me caring deeply about you, but loving you is a different concept completely.

Anyway, my mind is a mess and I just want - no need a break from everything for a while. And Alex, please don't hurt or kill yourself because of what he said. I don't want that. I'm so glad I could talk you out of what you were planning. I gained a great friend from it.

~M. A.