Inside My Mind

Why?

I have so may things in my life that haven't been going right. I wanted my first day back at school to be nearly perfect.

It's not what I expected though.

First off, I woke up late. I'm glad I'm an insomniac and naturally get it between 4 - 6 am after going to sleep around midnight or 1.

Secondly, I didn't eat anything until I got back home. Honestly, it wouldn't make a difference since I don't eat breakfast and I refuse to eat school lunches. I'm not worried about weight or my figure, like people say, I just don't like eating in general.

Thirdly, I've been fighting with my friends. I'll get into my social anxiety later (since I haven't really mentioned it). I've been stressing about that and what exactly I said that initially caused the fight. I hate fighting and I never want to do it again.

Lastly, my actual classes. I already love my first and sixth period. The others either aren't that bad or I'm giving a chance to prove I don't hate them.

Throughout the day, I've been extremely anxious because of my social anxiety. It may not seem like it when I'm talking to my friends or texting new people, but when you have me stand in front of a room full of people, especially when I'm forced to talk about myself, I panic.

Social anxiety isn't always having stage fright or being social awkward. It's much more than that and that's what people don't realize. Having something like social anxiety is like standing in front of people you don't know and having them seemingly laugh and taunt you about personal things.

It's hard to really explain if you've never been afraid of speaking in front of people or have had any kind of anxiety (yes, there are different types of anxiety just like there's different types of ice cream).

My friend, getting to that now, and I had a fight. I won't go into detail, but basically they were talking about themselves in a very self degrading way and being me, I doing like it at all.

At first, just like anything else, we were joking. When they started bringing in certain factors that applied to them about their learning process, it kinda pissed me off. I'm not one to be easily pissed off or get serious, but it just wasn't something I wanted to agree with.

They were practically calling themselves stupid and I brought in their boyfriend as back up. When he agreed with my friend in a joking way, I (obviously at the time) didn't taking it as a joke and got upset. Since I'm very irrational, I told them if they didn't like my protectiveness, they could block me.

Later, I found out they didn't, but my friend had. I shut down and wouldn't talk to anyone except people I grew up with. I don't really like some of the people and the feeling is mutual with them, but I grew up with them and we all know each other like the back of our hands.

We finally somewhat solved everything and things are going back to normal with my friend and I.

Now, my day at school isn't something most people are interested in, so I'll skip most of it and go straight to the part where I say my day wasn't horrible and neither were the teachers.

I know I'm probably jumping around a bit, but I'm going back to the social anxiety. It hit me hard twice today, which caused a few problems.

The first time was in my algebra class where I was told to stand, state my name and give a good and bad thing that happened to me. With a lot on my mind, I couldn't really say anything bad. I just did the first two and left the bad thing as undecided.

The second time I was in choir (yes, I sing, so what?) and we again had to stand and state our name. This time, thankfully, we just had to say where we wanted to be instead of at school. I thought long and hard and instead of saying in bed with my mom like I wanted, I simple said, in bed with my boyfriend.

Most would either take that wrong, think it's romantic or write it off as just another answer. In all honestly, he's not officially my boyfriend and it would be a while before we even consider dating again, let alone being together in that instant.

With social anxiety, I panicked because, not only did I get weird stares, but the teacher also make it seem like I was wrong for saying something of the type. I don't see what's wrong with what I said, since I really would rather be with him than anyone else. (Maybe not ANYONE, but still.) I felt like everyone thought I was this horrible person and immediately didn't like me.

I'm a fun loving guy and I love to see people happy, so I'm hoping you can see just how badly it effected me. I don't like when people seem to not like me or have a problem with me which is why I avoided my friend for a couple days to make sure he cooled off and let him start the convo so I know he wanted to talk and I'm not forcing him.

This is long and I wanted to mention something. I've seen that this has reached nearly 150 (at the moment) reads. This makes me happy, but also frightens me.

I love that people are reading it, but some of the more concerning entries have more reads. I know that they're more relatable, but I just want to be sure that no one is hurting themselves or feels alone. I might have my own personal problems, but I'm always here to talk.

Anyway, that being said, I might start either writing more or start up something kind of new. I want to actually get people involved and have them send me things to debate on. It's simple, you give me a topic and I'll debate for both sides to the best of my ability.

This is getting long, so I'm gonna go. Hope everyone stays safe and has a great day. If anyone needs me, message me.

~M. A.