Inside My Mind

I'm tired

I haven't written anything on here in a while.

I don't know what to say. Not because I want to keep this on going and don't know how, but because I feel like if I say the wrong thing, I'll break down.

I can't do any of this anymore. For over a month, I've been fighting with myself and with my friends and with my family. I've been holding on and letting go. This is so much.

I want to give up. I want to just take that knife or gun and end everything... but I can't. I have people who need me, who count on me. They need me more than I need to leave. I just don't know how to help.

I remember when I was younger, I always wanted to help people. Anyone who looked sad, I immediately went to and would try to be their friend. I didn't like when people got left out or felt that way.

Now that I'm older, I try not to be like that. Certain people are toxic and shouldn't be in your life, yet I still feel that need to protect them, to help them. I want to be there for them. Yet I don't know how to be.

I don't even know who reads any of this. I feel like the people I think read it, don't really. It doesn't mean much, I'm used to being ignored by the people I care about. It's nothing new.

I feel like everything is just slipping out of my grasp.  Nothing is working out for me. Every time I think things are working out, they mess up. I'm tired of failing at everything, of getting that disappointed look and shit talked about me. I'm trying my fucking hardest, but it's like it's not enough.

It never is.

I think I'll just end it here because honestly, I don't feel like doing too much of anything.

~M. A.