Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

Sunflower -1

Most people say "sorry" when they're at a loss for words or when they think it's the right thing to be uttered. It's become a filler word, something that you spit out when you bump into someone, or when you forget your line in an interview or show. It's very rarely used the way it was intended to. Not to mention, when it is, it's brushed off and counted as "not enough" or "petty and irrelevant," meanwhile the issue still presses on.

Today I learned that sometimes drawn out stories work better than a simple apology. If you explain what you're experiencing than it's more likely to be taken pity upon. Which, of course, if you lose your best friend, maybe something you need.

I went from having a semi-unstable relationship that I wasn't ready to dive back into to lying on the floor, mascara on the carpet, shaking, cold and alone. I mean, I don't mean to sound poetic, and maybe I will, but she was one of a kind. She was someone I could count on and someone that I would give my all to when she needed me to be her backbone. She was truly a soulmate, one to keep around forever, and I let her slip through my fingertips into the great abyss below. People could claim that they felt what we had, but I knew and she knew that what we had was unlike any other.

The worst part of this whole dilemma is that I have no clue what to do to restore it. What do you do when you crush the person you care about most's heart? What do you do when you take someone that you think so fondly of and realize that you are the source of their aching, disfigured, ugly world? What could you possibly do while your most cherished person is standing with an open wound to the chest, and you are tied back, useless? What to do when you're begging for time to suck it up and reverse itself? What do you do when you're too damp for a spark, but need a wildfire? What do you do then?

My sweet little sunflower is wilted and I can't be there to give her water. She's beautiful, still. I'm waiting for the moment the sun comes streaming in to nurture her, but the storm's only arriving, and to my dismay, it seems to be a snowstorm.