Going Rogue (erenxmikasa) Book 2 of A New Beginning

Chapter 34 - Eren's Scared Reality

(IDK if i used this picture or not but ima use it anyways :3)

Erens POV

After eating dinner in the tremendous mess hall, i make my way back to the room that me and Annie were sleeping at. It wasn't all that bad to be quiet honest, sure there wasnt anybody who liked me besides Armin and Annie but that wasnt so different from high school. 

When we finally make it to the room Armin wishes us a good night and heads off to his own quarters. After changing into just shorts i lay in the same bed as Annie, at first its really awkward but we slowly just relax. I eventually find my eye's drifting slowly until  my heart just starts racing, i begin breathing heavily and i get up immediately and try to make it to the bathroom. Halfway through i just fall to the floor and begin hyperventilating; i try gasping for air but i cant get a single hit of oxygen. I crawl to the wall and just attempt regaining any form of stability.

After what seems like an eternity i begin breathing normally; i stay sitting against the wall...scared...helpless....i dont know what happened but please god dont let it happen again. I close my eyes, still sitting against the wall, and yet again drift. Though this time im greeted by the faces of people who are in anguish, they begin screaming and yelling at me. I try running through the crowd until im met with bodies scattered across the ground; the crowd behind me begin catching up, what do i do? Do i run over the bodies? What....What do I.... I turn back to the bodies and see them crawling towards me and they are crying for help and pleading. Im cornered and left with no where else to run, the begin grabbing me and pulling me apart, and screaming in my ears "You did this to us!"

I jolt off the wall and look around in panic, it's still pretty dark, i look at the clock and only two hours have passed by. I get up from the wall and throw on some clothes and leave the room, i take the key and a pistol from one of the bags we had in the closet. I place it behind my shirt and begin walking around the vicinity, as i pace through the endless halls i finally make it outside and see only one person sitting on a bench looking at the sky. I walk over to the bench and sit next to him, the man looks at me and lightly laughs. "Never would have guessed you'd sit beside me willingly."  I look at him and sigh in disbelief. "Ain't no point in trying to avoid it." he chuckles again and points to the sky above. "My mom would always tell me these weird stories about the stars in the skies and that one day aliens would come to earth, I think it was just to spook me as a kid. Hehe, i miss those days....i really do." I think back to when i would lay on my mothers lap and she'd play with my hair until i'd fall asleep, i'd sleep like a baby. "Yeah me to..." i reply back wiping the few tears that shed from my eyes, he notices it and attempts to apologize but i tell him to forget it; ain't no point in apologizing for something so little. 

After a few minutes of sitting inside the silent night the man attempts to cut out some forms of silence "I know we're far from being on good terms but i would like to ask why you do it? What gets you out the bed after everything that's happened?" I dwell on the thoughts, somewhat going back to lies that i told myself was back when; I suppose those lies made my conscious feel less horrid. "I guess it felt more like i was stuck within a pendulum, unsure of wether i was doing it to protect the people i cared most about or to avenge a friend that was taken away from me. Now...sitting down and actually thinking about what i've done...its effected so many people in a negative way that i cant seem to find a way out of this hole. Then the girl i love wants things back to the way they were and i would like that as well but..." "You cant go back." In that split second it felt like i could connect with this monstrosity of a human being. "Having someone love you for you but it feels like she's loving a shell, someone she used to know. She's somewhat clinging to the old you when in reality its someone completely different...someone hideous...someone no one should love, not even yourself...even so, they still cant stop loving you." He says looking within the midnight sky. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and offers me one, i look at the pack and proceed to take one a place it in between my cold lips. He lights it ablaze and i blow the stream of smoke into the dark sky.

After i finish the cigarette i get up from the bench and walk back to my room without another word being spoken. I ponder on self deprecating thoughts and wondering wether or not its right for us to be together again. Im just gonna end up hurting her even more by doing this...wont I? I reach the room and its almost 6:00 AM, I go to the coffee maker in the mini kitchen that was installed in this room and make a black cup. I plug in my head phones (Insert Song) and sit in the dark room with nothing but star light glistening within it.

Authors Note:

Hello peeps i hope you know who eren was talking to even though i didnt explicitly say it :D but now im trying to dive into a more deeper analysis of erens mental state. He's finally settled down and now that this has happened he's begun to except the things that's happening and its making him panic. 

Anyways I hope you all liked the chapter and the song that was played is like a slowed version of "XXXTentacions - I dont want to do this anymore" anyways have a good one you guys :3

PS: Tell me what y'all think of my way of laying this chapter out in terms of talking and stuff.