Breathe Through the Scars

Obsession of Love - Part 1

Miley Cyrus - Thinkin'

It may sound like I'm talking in circles a bit here, although I'm trying not to.
I don't know. However, I continue to think of what would happen if we talked about what happened when I was obsessed with him & what happened when I was gone. I feel like it would just be like, "What now?"
When I am thinking about him, I think about what it would be like if we had a secret relationship that only both of us know & later we would tell people. I' not sure why I think that.
I don't know why I allow music to affect me in a way that it HAS to relate to him & how I feel about him.
Before I even met him, the song, "I'm coming after you" by Owl City was my theme & how I felt about him.

On another level, I feel like the reason I didn't call back or open the door to see him was because I was subconsciously making it look like he wouldn't be here, however consciously I wanted him to be here so that I could talk with him about everything. Burning letters didn't work either. It didn't work, I'm not over him.
I don't know why, however whenever I am thinking about next year, I either feel like my prayers will be answered in my favor or... not. When I think it won't be that way, I feel stagnant & I shouldn't be stuck here with no outlet to audition or express myself via fashion. That bothers me. I don't mean to get all depressed about it, I think its something to vent.
It seems like & appears that I'll never go to NY for the rest of my life. However, I'd like to think that's not true. I cannot think of another way to get there. I've been wanting to move there for more than 10 years. It bothers me that I haven't actually gotten the chance to live my life there for as long as I want. You have no idea how badly I need to go there & want to go there to make everything happen for me.
I'm not even sure he'll be back next year(2017) or not. I mean he called once last year(2015). He rang the doorbell twice at night in September(2016). Later, last month, he rang the doorbell three times. I feel like it's as if, once for good, twice to see if I was there & there times a charm, y'know? However, at the time, I was trying to get in touch with him more than three times & he was there more than that. So, I don't know.
Maybe this is subconsciously thinking, however I kind of think that without him, I don't know if I can make my dreams come alive or turn them into plans & back them by action. I know I'm supposed to achieve my dreams on my own & no one is going to save me, it's just that I need more connections than I think. On the other hand, I wanted to be with him because at the time, I thought he would make all my dreams come true... relationship-wise.
My therapist had said that I could be (her guess) self-sabotaging my dreams for a fear of success. I don't know if that's true because I don't have a fear of success. And I don't think I'm self-sabotaging.
Sometimes I wonder if he knew I was overthinking & thinking in circles. I wonder what would have happened if I had told him that. And those things I told him were a result of my mindset.
I don't know why, but I cannot get the image & the thought of him taking me to NY with him. I thought that when I was overthinking at the time. However, that is still on my mind & I don't know what to do about it.
By the way, I better not be delusional about ALL of this. Don't call me that. It's just how I feel about it & what I think of it.
I think it's crazy how I let him become a big part of my life, like he's a chapter in my book. Samira*: "I think you kinda sound like you're talking in circles and also I'm not sure if it was he who rang at the door. I don't think he was the answer to your problems & he could've talked or said something more than your name. In my opinion everyone wants to be with someone during the holidays, including me. You're young & have your life ahead of you. Download bumble, badoo or a similar app & go on dates. If you don't like to meet online, go out & mingle. Take new risks, find a job to save money to come to NY, you can find friends or meet someone meanwhile because of it."
I don't want to meet anyone while I'm living with my mother because I feel like she'll find out at some point. I'd rather have a private life. I'd rather give those details to my friends & Samira*, not my mother.
Two years ago(approximately in 2014) I was obsessed with this guy I met four years ago(2012). I was obsessing over him for about 2-3 years. I wasn't aware of it nor did I realize it at the time. I was overthinking to the point of depression. I know I was overthinking that much, it's just that I didn't know how to control it nor did I know how to combat it. It felt like it was getting worse each week & I got more upset each time. I didn't know what to do. I listened to music, watch videos on YouTube, watch TV shows/movies, & scroll through tumblr to heal myself. I tried writing in my journal, but it didn't help at the time because I didn't like what I was writing & the thought of reading it would make me cry & be upset.
Whenever I was feeling depressed, I listened to music to validate my emotions & I talked to Samira*, who is my second cousin. She helped validate what I felt & gave me advice about a certain someone I really liked. The tumblr post also validated my emotions. I made a tumblr collage as a result of it. I told the guy I really liked just about every thought in my mind that was about him. Most of those thoughts were deep & they were dark. I didn't want to be in that situation. I wasn't content. I was upset at my own situation & angry at myself.
Every time I saw him in person, I expected him to walk away with me. When he didn't(which was every time), I was depressed. I think he expected me to walk away with him. The times I saw him was after I sent him a long message of how I felt about him.
I had written two or three letters about him & each one was a long letter. I had burned them with a lighter & doused them & threw those letters away. I had written one of them when I was overthinking at the time, but I don't recall what I wrote. I know it was about him & what I wanted to tell him.
Last November(2015), I had sent him text messages & a playlist. He didn't respond, however I had hoped that he recieved it. Here's what I had sent him via text:
"Hey its Sarah. I met with you on my 21st bday. I know this is totally random & out of the blue, however I have something t ok tell you. It won't take long. It's crazy & ridiculous how much effort & time I have spent on you. However, I'm glad I don't have to go through that darkness ever again. At times, I almost miss it because I wish I could push myself out of it to be with you & not have gone through the mess I went through. I wish you could forgive me. I felt like I needed you because you made my dream come true & I didn't have to say a word to make that happen.

While there was a war going on inside my head & driving myself crazy, I was telling you how much I like you. I literally showed you crazy. I know there's nothing wrong with me. I don't overthink anymore. I don't think in circles, anymore. I cannot even listen to breakup songs because I know I'm not ready for it. Just to be clear, I'm not obsessed with you. I just need to solve this with you, not "silence gives the answer." If you're not there in person, I'm not going to look for you. That would be psychotic & not right. To be honest, not only do I miss the memory of my bday, but I miss you as well. I miss the fact that you ask me to stay in NY. Sometimes, I wish I had said, "Yes," so that this wouldn't be a mess. At the same time I'm glad I made friends through the process.

Hurricane - Thirty Seconds to Mars

I recall flowers started to grow in the darkest parts of my mind at the time. "No person is too good for you. You deserve the best, and if he can't see that you are amazing, then he isn't the best." I know I need to keep working on myself & to continue with my dreams. By the way, I knew I'd meet with you & your friend. I had dreamt of it four years prior. I hope you can forgive me. I sincerely apologize for what I did. Playlist: Sorry-Justin Bieber, I can show you crazy-Bebe Rexha, Pray-Bebe Rexha, Feelings-Maroon 5, New Love-Maroon 5, Stay-Rihanna, Monsters -Timeflies."

*-Indicates name has been changed.