Can You Chase Away The Darkness?

... But I'll Fight For You Till Then

TRIGGER WARNING. 

Chapter Six: …But I’ll Fight For You Till Then

I got home from school after a truly terrible Monday; in both business and History, I’d sat on the opposite side of the room from Jaime. In maths, I was stuck with Lindsey and Hayley, feeling terrible about everything. In music, I sat alone since Lindsey would have gone off her nut had Jaime and I sat together. The only good thing about the day was English with Vic, who was turning out to be a wonderful friend. And while he was wonderful and I enjoyed his company, I did miss Jaime. Nothing seemed to be getting better about the situation – it was only spiralling out of control. And my fear of being hurt by Lindsey again only held me back from saying anything to anyone, especially Jaime.

I made my way through my tiny apartment in a kind of stupor. Today was the worst my depressive episode had been and I had known I would probably end up doing this, despite knowing how self-destructive it was. I entered the bathroom and opened the bottom drawer. It was empty, aside from a zip-lock bag full of the razor’s I’d used when I’d self-harmed back home. I let out a deep breath, opening the bag. I tipped out some of the metal pieces before rolling up my sleeve. The scars stood out on my skin and I bit my lip. I knew this wasn’t okay but nothing else was making me feel better. There was no one to talk to about what was happening, no one to help me confront Lindsey. I let my fingers drag the blade over my skin, a small puff of air escaping from between my lips as I did. The relief of simply doing something, even as destructive as this, rushed through me. I made more cuts up my arm, hardly noticing the slight trickle of blood now running down my arm. The relief filled me as I set down the blade. It felt good to be feeling like this again.

I opened my eyes as I thought this and they opened wide. I couldn’t believe I’d just done that – what was I thinking? I knew it didn’t solve anything; it only created more problems. It wasn’t worth it. I then broke down, sobs raking through me. I ran water from the tap, thrusting my arm underneath it to get the blood off.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I chanted as I used my other arm to fish around in the cupboard for the first aid kit my parents insisted I bring. I turned off the water once I’d found it, drying my arm with the towel hanging from the shower. Blood appeared on it and I groaned, knowing I’d have to wash it in case someone came round. I applied gauze to the worst of the cuts before wrapping my entire arm in a bandage. It made some movement difficult but I ignored the discomfort. I then got changed into my pyjamas and climbed into bed, planning on sleeping until I had to be at school tomorrow.

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The next two days consisted of me ignoring everyone except Vic and Jenna and then getting home, cutting and sleeping. I only ate the smallest amount of breakfast, not bothering with other food. I knew my depressive episode was getting worse but I was no longer invested in stopping it. I just let it fester and drag me further and further down.

I arrived home on the Thursday, feeling utterly exhausted. I knew not eating was probably causing this but no food appealed to me. I sighed, deciding against trying to eat. I cut again, only a little this time, before walking to Vic’s house. His dad was going to help me with my music project again; I hoped that the guys might be there so I could actually talk to them without fear of Lindsey finding out and hurting me. I knocked on the Fuentes’ front door and it opened a moment later; Mike grinned and pulled me in for a hug before leading me through the house to the studio. Jaime, Tony, Vic and Papa Fuentes all sat in the room and each of them held a guitar. Mike made his way over to the drum kit while Jaime and Vic hugged me.

“So glad you could come round, Claire,” said Papa Fuentes holding out a guitar for me. It had sort of become ‘my guitar’ as I’d used it the few times he’d helped me. “Do you mind if the boys are in here while we work?” I shook my head.