Memory Documentation

chapter six | documenting a war between heart and mind

"And I'm pretty sure I can sweet talk Papa into not being upset with me if he found out you were here, especially if I tell him why you came." I took a seat at the window ledge and patted the spot next to me. The cold radiating from the glass pressed against my back. Chris gave me a half-hearted smile and came to sit beside me.

"Guess my counseling session starts now, huh?" he tried to joke, but his tone fell flat with exhaustion and gloom.

"Hey, we may not have talked for a couple years, but I can tell when there's something up with you. I just want to make sure you're okay."

Chris stared ahead and rested his chin on his hands. I gave him a moment, let him sit silent with his thoughts, and waited to see if he'd speak. When he didn't, I let out a little sigh of my own.

"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me," I told him, not wanting to pressure him into spilling details he wasn't ready to spill. "I just don't want to sit here and tell you how great my day was when your day was anything but."

"I guess I was kind of hoping hearing more about your day would take my mind off mine." The clenching of his fist and hardening of his face displayed enough frustration to make my heart pang with hurt again. "It's just... my mind's been too damn loud lately."

" Chris." My voice was firm, and I leaned down forward so I could catch his eyes. His eyes were as stormy blue as ever. "Days. It's been just a couple of days since you broke up with her. You know this will take time." The extent of my knowledge on their relationship was very limited, but it didn't take a genius to know how much has actually happened. They were together a long time and that gives you a lot to look back on when things were over.

"Yeah, I know. I just... " A muscle in his jaw flexed as he clenched his teeth, the frustration he was feeling becoming more and more evident in his expression. "Don't you ever wish there was an on and off switch that could allow you to turn off your thoughts and emotions? Things would be a hell lot easier for me right now if I could shut my mind up in an instant."

"Actually, there's some people in the world who could shut down like that. They can shut everything out in an instant - even people if they wanted to."

"Well, I'm not one of them," he said, shaking his head. "My thoughts and feelings are fucking me over, Darce. At night, it's the worst."

Nights were like a double edged sword in that way. While one person may find comfort and peace in the darkest hours, others are kept awake with a manifestation of thoughts. I was never a big fan of nights, either, because of that exact thing. A trick that worked for me was leaving the t.v. on, or putting on some music when I fell asleep. It came especially handy during dark times, when I wanted to shut up the world and my thoughts.

"I saw her today," Chris added in a grim tone. "I saw her with him. At the grocery store. They were smiling and laughing, and he did that thing where he wrapped his arms around her as she pushed the cart." He stared ahead, almost as if the sight was right in front of him.

"I get it, Chris. It's natural to feel, but while it hurts to feel, it hurts even more to dwell."

"I can't help but dwell, though!" The poor guy groaned, thumping his head back on the window.

I slumped. "Besides right now, have you talked to anyone about how you've been feeling lately?" I asked.

He shook his head no. "My mom's been trying to play the role of therapist, but I shut her down every time. As for my dad, well, he's made a few attempts with these man-to-man talks, but I haven't spoken much about Bridgit with either of them."

"Maybe that's where you should start," I suggested. "Bottle it up for too long and the cork will pop right off. Everything you've been trying to hold inside will fizz right out. The best way to prevent that is by taking the cork off yourself, and that way you have control of how much you'd like to let out."