Synonym

Chapter 8

If there was ever a time where my stomach was in my throat, now was that time.

It was Sunday morning and the fun of Saturday and quality time with our fathers from the night before, was long in the past.  I woke up at 6am to the supportive texts from my friends such as; Al, Chris, Sam, Jason, Jameson, Aiden, and some guys on the Olympic team. Emma and Owen didn't exactly know what the trial was, just that we had to be gone for a week. I didn't feel like bringing up the specifics so I wasn't surprised to not hear from them.

Finn woke up at the same time I did, trying to calm down my already erratic nerves. This would be the first time that I would face Jack, Ryan, and Coleman since my panic attack. I was praying to whatever God that existed that I would be able to hold it together. No one could save me if I had a panic attack white testifying.

No one.

I could take the Xanax my Psychologist gave me, but I didn't want to. It made me want to throw up and I had only used it once after I first saw her. That was right after the incident in Jersey in March. It had been Finn's idea, but I had never gone back

I took a long, warm shower hoping that the more I delayed my arrival at court the shorter the day would be. It was a stupid sentiment but it was still a sentiment. I used the same painfully slow pace as I dragged my dress pants up my hips and fastened my black belt around them. My button down was buttoned painfully slowly and my suit jacket settled on my shoulders like a weight of the world had just been given to me. Even my black leather heals felt more uncomfortable than usual.

Both my father and Finn as well as Finn's dad, much to my surprise, forced me to eat some eggs for breakfast. I felt like all I did was stare at the clock until 8:30 when we had to leave.

Finn looked dashing in his grey suit and dark blue tie. He knew it and I knew it but I didn't have the willpower to say anything to anyone right now. Instead I just looked blankly in front of me as the three men greeted my attorney.

I don't think any of them had seen me this broken.

It stung but I couldn't pretend I was alright.

The car ride was eerily silent because of me. Finn gave my hand a reassuring squeeze after sending me a worried glance. I barley returned the gesture and I think that put Finn on edge even more.

Before we got out of the car where news cameras roamed around, Finn leaned over and whispered in my ear. "You will do great. If you get nervous, just look at me. I'll be right behind your lawyer. Just pretend we're having a conversation. They can't touch you and they can't hurt you. Everything will be fine. You are strong." His thumb rubbed back and forth lightly on my hand to try and calm me. It worked slightly but not totally. "I love you."

"I love you, too." I murmured back without looking at him. Instead my eye was trained out the window of the car.

Inside the courtroom was tense. At least for me it was. It felt like the walls were closing in and everyone was starring at the poor victim. The comfy chair did nothing to soothe my nerves. Instead, I tried not to fiddle with my hands which sat in my lap. The image I was projecting was one of strength because I knew as soon as I started crying, no one would see me as strong or brave. I would be a weak, defenseless girl.

When the three boys entered the room, my heart skipped a few beats and not in a good way. Jack had the audacity to send me a cruel smile when he passed my lawyer and I on the way in. In that moment, I though I knew what the weight of the world felt like but I was wrong.

I truly know what that meant the second I uttered the words, "I swear that the evidence that I shall give, shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God." and my eyes locked on the judge in front of me. I wanted to look at Finn, I really did. But the courts had removed him from the room as to not contaminate testimonies and accounts of the events.