I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 24

"Hey Lou?" Harry says.

I look up to see three smiling faces looking at me.

"Yeah?" I sniffle.

"I know a place we could eat these pancakes, what do you say?" Harry says.

"Okay" I smile.

20 minutes later, Zayn, Liam, Harry, Andy, Niall and I are all bundled up in our winter coats to go outside.

"Louis, put this coat on as well please" Liam says.

"Li, I don't need two coats" I sass him.

"Louis" he says warningly.

I sigh and put another coat on and I feel like I can hardly move.

"A beanie too" Andy tells me putting it on my head.

"Seriously?" I say and Andy smiles.

"Ear muffs too" Niall says putting them over my beanie.

"No way!!, Harry!!!" I whine.

"Louis, do you want to go outside or not?" He says pointedly.

I grumble as Zayn comes over and puts gloves on me too.

"Now you are just doing it for fun" I say whinging.

The boys laugh

"You look so cute Lou" Harry says, grabbing my hand and leading me out of the apartment.

I argue with them about taking all the extra stuff off me, until we reach outside and the wind hits me.

"See, now you are glad we are so protective aren't you" Liam says with a wink.

"We can't risk you getting pneumonia again Lou" Andy says.

I huff but smile at them both.

Harry walks us ten minutes down the road, picnic basket in hand. He holds my hand tightly and when I see the gate to the cemetery my breath hitches.

"We should have brought you here long before this babes" Zayn says.

They lead me inside and towards Noah's grave. It's surrounded by beautiful flowers and green grass and is standing alone. Harry and the boys sit down on the rug and dish up breakfast. I walk over to the grave stone and read the inscription.

Noah Bolton

Age 19

Loving brother, son and friend.

Gone but never forgotten.

My breath gets caught in my throat and a few tears escape. The boys are far enough away that they can't hear me talk.

"Hi" I say thinking I sound like a looser.

"I'm sorry I haven't come sooner Noah, I'm......I'm so so sorry Noah, I'm so sorry you had to die. I'm sorry you got taken away from Jaxson, he loves you so much. I'm just so sorry I was part of the whole thing. If I could go back and change it I would. You were my first real friend, the first person to understand me, the first person who excepted me, who wanted to be my friend because I'm me. Thank you for keeping me safe, for keeping me warm and for keeping your promise to protect me. I will forever be grateful to you. I love you Noah" I say wiping my tears away.

"Harry showed me the video of us making pancakes, do you remember? It made me cry, but it also made me laugh. I want to remember that video forever and I hope you remember it as the last happy moment in your life" I choke. "I promise I will come and visit you when I can, I just want to let you know I love you and you will always be in my heart and I will always miss my best friend" I tell him.

I wipe my eyes and I turn around to see the boys watching me, I go over and sit down on Harry's lap and we eat our pancakes. We don't last too long as the weather is absolutely freezing but long enough and I feel at peace here for some reason. 20 minutes later the,boys start to pack up and I go to say one last goodbye to Noah. I kiss my gloves and place my hand on the grave stone.

"I miss you so much, I'll come back so soon" I say.

"Come on baby, let's get you home hey" Harry comes up behind me and puts his arm around my waist.

I lean back on his shoulder.

"Thank you Harry, this means a lot that you brought me here. Thank you" I say.

"Of course Louis, I love you and will always do whatever I can to make you smile. I know Noah would have liked the visit too" he says.

We walk back to the boys and Zayn and Niall grab me and encase me in their warmth.

"Come on little one, your nose is turning pink" Niall says as he bops his finger on the tip,

I giggle

"We don't want you catching a cold now do we" Zayn says.

I see Harry smile from beside us as I'm lead by warm arms back home.

Something inside me starts to ignite and I actually feel happy and at peace. I am so thankful these boys came back into my life. I'm so thankful that Harry and I are perfect for each other. I know they will be there for me through thick and thin and I have five shoulders to lean, cry and laugh on whenever I want. I will never get over what happened to me and Noah, but I can learn to deal with it and I am and with the boys help I know this light that has started inside me again will only continue to grow.

And little did I know that the nightmares would completely disappear after this day and Noah would only appear in my dreams to laugh happily with me.