I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 4

LOUIS POV

When I wake up in the morning, I have a terrible headache, the memories from last night come flooding back to me and I realise I'm so ashamed of myself that the tears just fall. I feel miserable, like I have disgraced myself and Harry. They must all think I'm a freak, they will all hate me and send me away now too. I can't help the tears and I try to wipe them away furiously. The itching in my wrists returns and the urge is so strong, I make my way to my bathroom and lock the door behind me. I reach under the sink and to the back where I hid my trusty blade box. I open it and I take my bracelets off quickly. The cuts on my left wrist are still raw and a little infected but I don't give a shit, I deserve it. I make quick work of four cuts on each wrist and sigh in relief as the voices in my head ease up and my self loathing stops...even if only for a little while. I sit with my back against the cupboard and I cry for what must be ages, I'm just so tired. My stomach grumbles a little and I decide I had better go and eat something, as I haven't in three days. I look down and realise that the blood from my wrists has soaked through my pants as well as my shirt. I take them off and put them in my laundry basket, I then hop in the shower to clean myself up and wash my hair. I feel a little better when I exit the shower, my headache is still throbbing though. I put my bracelets back on, not even bothering to disinfect or clean my cuts. I then change into my skinny jeans that are baggy now and my vans off the wall black and red shirt. I then make my way slowly downstairs.

The boys are all sitting in the lounge room on beanbags playing FIFA. Niall and Zayn are yelling at the TV while Liam and Harry laugh at them. I look towards the kitchen and the clock says 10:30am. The boys look so happy together like what real brothers should be like. I'm brought out of my thoughts by Liam's voice. He must have noticed me.

"Morning Louis" he says cheerfully.

The rest of the boys heads snap around to look at me.

"Morning" I say quietly to them all.

They are all smiling at me and aren't looking at me like I'm a freak, they haven't asked me to leave yet, but they might be easing me into that.

"Want to play some FIFA with us?" Harry asks.

"Umm....would it be okay....if I got something to eat?" I ask looking down at the ground.

I miss the smile the boys give each other.

"Of course Lou, what do you feel like?" Harry beams.

"Just....like an apple or something" I say.

"Are you sure, I can make you pancakes or scrambled eggs?" Harry asks, he walks over to the kitchen to talk to me,

"Um no an apple is um fine thanks" I tell him.

I don't feel like something heavier. Harry nods and gets me an apple from the bowl. I take it gratefully. He is staring at me and I know he is probably thinking I'm a freak.

"Harry....um about last night, I know I'm a freak and I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to be such a baby and" I start but I'm cut off when Harry reaches out and puts his hands on either side of my face. He looks me deep in the eyes.

"Hey, shhhhh Lou, I never for one second thought you were a freak. Don't you ever apologise, I'm here for you, always" he says and my breath hitches.

I don't know what to say back to him and I just end up staring at him.

"Do you want to talk about your nightmare?" Harry asks and I instantly tense up.

"Um.....no I'm.......I....uh uh" I shake my head as my breathing gets heavier.

I don't want to talk, I don't want to think of that horrible nightmare. The one I have over and over again, me getting the life kicked out of me by my bullies.