I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 12

I see Harry and Zayn looking at me and I feel pressure to eat.

"Lou? You okay bud?" Zayn asks.

I nod at him and pick up my fork. I eat a few mouthfuls of rice and once I know they are both satisfied and their attention is off me, I go back to just pushing the food around my plate.

When Harry finishes his dinner, he goes to take my plate back to the kitchen with his, he stops though and sighs when he sees so much food still left on my plate.

"Louis, can you please just try and eat a little more for me?" He asks.

"Haz, please don't start" I say back.

"I'm not starting anything Lou, you need to eat. You are still recovering and all you have eaten today is a handful of popcorn and some gummy worms" Harry says. He is worried and therefore is sounding annoyed at me.

"I'm just.....please, I'm not hungry Harry" I say frustratingly.

Harry takes out his phone and texts someone, he then leaves the room and doesn't say another word to me. The boys look at me sympathetically, I try not to cry and curl up on myself and focus on the TV. Harry doesn't come back, I'm starting to get upset and agitated, the voices start again....I'm worthless....I've upset Harry, he deserves so much more than me. I rub my wrists up and down and I mentally try to turn my thoughts around and stop myself from going to my room and cutting. a half an hour later there is a knock at the door. Harry comes out from wherever he has been to answer it and Andy comes into the room. Of course Harry texted Andy. This makes me more upset. They chat for a little bit and they both look at me from the front door, they are talking about me and I glare at them both. I get up off the lounge and head towards my room, as I'm walking past Harry though he reaches out and grabs me by the waist and pulls me into him.

"Hey, not so fast Lou" he says as I struggle in his grip.

"Let me go Harry" I yell.

"Just relax" he says.

He brings my back to his chest and his rm around my waist so I'm facing Andy.

"Hey Lou, Harry says you haven't eaten again today" Andy says.

"So, I'm not hungry. He doesn't have to call you every time I don't do something, I'm fine, just give me a break" I say lashing out.

"I understand Lou, Harry is just worried, we all are. Listen, when I discharged you today I had a talk with Harry about you eating. You are severely underweight Louis and I probably shouldn't have let you out of the hospital. We treat people with eating disorders who are your size, this is getting dangerous" Andy says back calmly.

The other three boys enter the room then, all looking worried.

"I don't have an eating disorder" I yell.

"I'm not convinced Lou" Andy says.

"I ate dinner, I ate rice, just because I didn't eat as much as Harry doesn't mean I'm starving myself" I yell.

" Lou, but can't you see how thin you are?" Zayn then says.

"Look, I've done you up a diet plan okay. It's a meal plan of what I want you to eat everyday. You need to gain at least 5kg to be back in your range limit that's healthy for you" Andy says.

This is all getting to much for me, I just need a break from everything and everyone. I'm starting to get sweaty and upset.

"I want to cut, I need to cut, this is getting too much" I say and Harry pulls me closer.

"It's okay baby, I'm here, it's okay" Harry tells me.

"No.....you say that, you say you're all here for me, that I can trust you all, but If I don't do what you want, I'm doing the wrong thing and I hate it,I can't do this" I say heatedly.

I'm rubbing my wrists up and down and my breathing is heavy. I haven't had the urge to cut this bad in the last few weeks. Harry keeps his arm firmly around my waist and is whispering things in my ear but I'm not listening.

"Louis, just relax babes, it's okay. We are all here for you. We want to help you" Zayn says walking over.

"We didn't mean to make you feel that way Lou, I'm sorry kid" Liam comes over to say.

Andy then walks over and grabs my hand gently, he then puts a rubber band around my wrist and snaps it back onto my arm. The sting catches me off guard and for some reason I stop struggling and I relax a little.

"Try this Louis, snap the rubber band back on your wrist, try it" Andy says gently.

I look down and grab my wrist and start snapping the band back, it stings and it feels good and I keep going and I relax, the urge to cut is slowly disappearing. I'm starting to hear Harry's comforting words and after about 5 minutes I'm relaxing against his chest.

"Good boy Louis"

"Good job Lou"

"Well done kiddo"

The boys all praise me. I fall then to the ground. Harry coming with me, the tears come then. Zayn reaches out and thumbs away my tears.

"You did so so good babes, so proud of you" he tells me.

"I'm sorry" I croak out.

"No sorry you never need to be sorry. We aren't disappointed Lou, we are proud of you. You need to keep remembering that" Niall says to me.

I notice all the boys are now sitting on the floor in front of me but I can't see Andy. Harry is stroking my hair and I m leaning back on him, so comfy in his strong arms. Andy then comes back into the room and I see he is holding a plate of something. Toast with jam on it, he hands it to Harry and Harry holds it in front of me.

"I'll make you a deal baby, you eat all this toast and promise to try our new diet plan for you. We will all help you, I promise. If you can do those two things then we will let you hang out with Noah, with rules of course but you two can be friends. How does that sound?"

I hate being bribed but being able to hang out with Noah would be amazing. I feel like a child but I'm done fighting, I'm exhausted.

"Okay" I say quietly.

I then pick up a piece of toast, it's cut into quarters. It's takes me 10 minutes but I finish all the toast. The boys beam at me. Harry is still holding me to him and we are still on the floor, but no one seems to mind.

"Great job Lou" they all tell me.

Andy takes the plate off me and I go to stand up.

"I'm going to go to bed" I say quietly.

The boys nod at me and Harry kisses my forehead and I head up to my room. I shower and change into my grey sweats and a black long sleeve shirt, I then slip into the cold bed by myself.
I don't know if I'm allowed to sleep with Harry and I don't want to make him more upset at me. I hate disappointing him. Instead of feeling like I accomplished something and again overcame the urge to cut, I feel like I let everyone down and now the eating side of my life is just another thing for me to worry about.