I'm Broken but I'm fine

Untitled Part 11

Harry leaves the room and Andy is working on my drip, once it's in and he administers the antibiotics. He starts on redressing and cleaning my wrists and arms.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about all this Louis, but I know you know we need too" Andy says to me.

I sigh.

"Yeah, I know but I don't know what you want me to say" I tell him sincerely.

"I want you to know that you can trust me, I'm here for you and I want to help you. I'm not going to admit you to a clinic or anything. I honestly think we can help you here, but I want weekly one hour sessions, just you and I to talk and I want to know that you want to stop hurting yourself that you are willing to work at it" Andy tells me.

I honestly have never even thought this far ahead, never even entertained the idea of stoping, I don't know how to cope without it.

"I.......I never thought I would need to stop cutting Andy, Its my escape. How do I just stop? How do I get the relief I feel when I cut without cutting?" I ask him.

"Time and with our support, I want you to try, every time you have the urge to cut. To go to Harry, myself or one of the boys. We will help you through it, through the urge and soon you won't even have it anymore. I can promise you. It will be hard at times Louis but I know you can do it" Andy tells me.

"Well.....I want to cut right now" I tell him closing my eyes.

Andy finishes with my wrists and sits across from me on the bed, he folds his legs under himself.

"Tell me why Lou, what's running through your head?" He asks gently.

For the first time in five years I actually want to stop cutting, I actually want to be good enough so I try my hardest to talk to Andy.

"That I'm stupid for letting you find out my secret, that I'm worthless and Harry is only being nice because he feels like he has too, that I'm not worth anyone's time or energy. I feel like I'm a burden and I've made Harry and the boys upset because of my secret. They shouldn't be upset and It's my fault" I say, my breathing picking up.

"That's so good Lou! I'm so proud of you for telling me, I know it's hard. just relax though okay just breathe" Andy says.

I nod at him and try to relax.

"Why do you think you are not worth our time and energy?" Andy asks.

I breathe in Harshly before I answer.

"Everyone at school tells me everyday, my mums are always working and never have time for me, I'm obviously not worth their time and Harry left me, I thought it was because I'm worthless" I say.

"I want you to know that you are worth everything. I understand that me telling you that once isn't going to make a difference but I will keep telling you that until you start to believe it. The kids at school obviously have their own issues and you are the target to take those issues out on. Being gay doesn't make you a bad person Louis, and if other people can't see that, then that's their issue. Physically abusing you is not the way to deal with it though and Harry and I will fix that, no one will touch you again." Andy tells me seriously.

"You're right I don't believe you but....that doesn't mean I won't try.....I don't care what issues the kids at school have, it hurts so bad when they call me names and tell me those horrible things it happens every day and even when they stop I'm thinking about their words Andy........it's so hard to push them away" I say, tears spring to my eyes and I subconsciously itch my wrists as the worlds of my tormentors run through my head.

"Louis, buddy....come back to me, you're okay" I hear Andy's voice from in front of me.

I look towards Andy and into his eyes.