I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 10

"Louis" he says cautiously from in front of me.

His voice causes Niall and Andy to wake up, Niall switches the light on.

"Lou, buddy what are you doing out of bed?" Niall asks.

Andy is standing in the middle of the lounge room and His arm is tightly wrapped around Niall's waist.

"Are you two together?" I ask quietly.

"Yeah Lou, Niall and I have been together for a while" Andy says, going along with my question.

"Did you know?" I ask directing my question to Harry.

He looks at me slightly confused,

"Yeah I've known for a while" he responds calmly.

"And you know Noah is gay too" I ask

"Yeah, Noah and Jaxson are both gay" Harry says.

"Then why do you hate me? You left me when you found out I was gay but you don't hate them you just hate.....you just hate me" I say upset, tears rolling down my face.

"Oh, Lou....baby, I didn't leave because you came out Louis......Jesus...I" Harry says and he tries to step towards me but I step back.

"You what?..... You just hate me because I'm me, like everyone else?" I yell.

"I don't hate you Louis, I've never, ever hated you" Harry tells me. His face full of sadness.

"Then why did you leave me?" My own voice sounds so deflated and rejected, I hate it but I can't help it.

"It's complicated" Harry says.

And no, that's not good enough. I'm so angry and upset and hurt.

"I hate you" I say

"No you don't baby" Harry says.

He then walks over to me and takes me in his arms, I fight him as best I can. I punch his chest and cry and I yell at him.

"You left me and you don't even care, I needed you and you left. You hate me and I deserve it. I'm nothing and will never mean anything to you!" I scream at Harry.

"Calm down Lou, it's okay. I've got you,I'm here now I'm so so sorry kiddo....,I'm so sorry" Harry tells me.

"I don't trust you, you will leave me again I know it and I can't do it anymore, I don't want to do it anymore!" I yell into Harry's chest.

"I'm not going anywhere baby" Harry says.

"Stop calling me that, like you care, like I mean something to you" I say

"You mean the world to me Louis you mean everything to me" Harry tells me.

I'm done fighting and I collapse in Harry's arms we end up on the floor Harry with his back leaning against the kitchen counter and me straddling him, my face buried in his neck.

Harry brings my head off his shoulder and cups my face with his large hands. He thumbs my tears away.

"Louis.....I love you" Harry's says and my heart stops at his words. My blue eyes meet his incredible green ones.

"No....you don't" I whisper, my eyes never leaving his.

"I am in love with you and have been for five god dam years......that's why I left Lou, because I couldn't face my feelings. I'm so, so sorry Louis" Harry tells me.

"You left me because you love me? That.....that doesn't make sense Harry God" I say frustratedly.

"I thought pushing you and my feelings away was easier than admitting I'm in love with my step brother Louis. When I saw you at that train station for the first time in five years, I thought you were the most beautiful, stunning boy I'd ever seen in my life. My feelings never went away, I tried again to push you away when I realised how much I cared for you, how much I wanted to protect you, to keep you safe and it was out of my control. I'm so sorry, I know I went about it the wrong way Louis, I know and I'm so sorry. I love you.....I'm in love with you" Harry finishes.

I'm stunned, speechless and completely taken aback. I have no idea what to say or do. Suddenly though there are lips on mine, Harry's lips, they are soft and I instantly get shivers up my spine. He moves his lips against mine so slowly, I can feel his breath on my lips and my chest erupts, like everything I have been wanting and missing in my life is coming together. Harry feels safe and exactly like home, exactly what I've been missing. I pull away quickly and Harry seems stunned.

"You can't love me Harry, you just can't" I start, getting upset again..

"Why Louis, why not, why can't I love you?" Harry asks, sadness written all over his face

"I'm fucked up, I'm nothing, Everyone says it. I deserve everything I get and I don't deserve you" I spill out in one breath.

"Baby stop, just stop please" Harry speaks gently.

I look at him in the eyes.

"Let me, please let me show you you are worth everything Louis. Let me show you how much I love you please.....just give me one chance. You deserve to be loved Louis and I know I can love you right" Harry declares holding my gaze.

I don't know what to say or to feel, I'm so tired and exhausted, I want to trust Harry, this is all I've ever wanted and he is offering it to me. All I have to do is say yes. If he lets me down though, if he leaves me again I don't know what I will do. I take a deep breath.

"Okay" I whisper.

Harry grins widely at me, he kisses my lips and hugs me to him.

"God Louis, this is all I've ever wanted. I'm here I'm not going anyway I've got you baby" he tells me.

We sit in the kitchen together me resting against Harry's chest, Andy and Niall long gone back to Niall's room giving us some privacy.

"Is that why you do it Lou?" Harry asks, breaking our silence.

"Is what why I do it?" I whisper.

"Because I left? Is that why you hurt yourself?" Harry asks.

I know he is scared of the answer.

"No, I didn't start until a year after you left. I felt so alone Harry, all my friends abandoned me, I was bullied and still am badly everyday and it hurts so bad. Mum and Anne are always working and the house gets so lonely. I just wanted one person.....one person to talk to, to tell me I was worth it, to tell me everything would be okay, to be there for me. It's selfish I know,but I had no one. One day I was beat up so badly I needed stitches in my lip and my arm was broken and so was my rib. I had a severe concussion and had to go to the hospital. The guys who did it told me if I said anything to my mums they would kill me and I believed them. I told mum and Anne I fell down the stairs, they believed it. Mum and Anne looked after me for a day then had to go back to work. I was so scared to go back to school, I tried to call you that day, usually your phone rang out but not that time. That time it said it was disconnected, that was it for me. I kept hearing the voices of them all in my head telling me how worthless and disgusting I was and I couldn't take it anymore. I thought you hated me, so I did the only thing I could think of. I ran a blade over my wrist, it helped so much. It put me in my place, I new where I belonged. It made me feel in control and the voices would disappear for awhile. It then became an addiction, if I didn't do it the voices got to much, I was being selfish so I would cut more the next time. I tried to stop but what's the point when everyone hates you and there was nowhere else to turn. I don't know how to stop Harry, I don't want to be like this, a stupid fuck up. I just want to be accepted for who I am, I want someone to talk to me, to love me is that so much to ask?" I finish crying and gulping for air.

"Baby, you deserve all of that, I would hurt myself a million times over if it meant that you would never feel any pain again. All I can tell you is how sorry I am. I'm going to show you that you don't need the blade Louis, I know I wasn't there for you but I am now. I promise you with everything I have inside me I will love you and help you. We can do this together I'm here for you now, I'm here" Harry says.

That's all I ever wanted to hear and when I look at Harry there are tears running down his face, I grab on to him and wrap my arms around his neck we bury ourselves in each other's embrace and cry. Eventually we calm down and Harry carries me back up to his bed. It's bigger and way more comfier than mine, we get in and he holds me close to his chest as we fall asleep. Harry carding his hands through my hair. As I close my eyes I feel somewhat lighter and that maybe things will be okay.