I'm Broken but I'm fine

Part 2

I feel horrible that I've just interrupted Harry and the boys life like this, granted I had no choice If I wasn't such a fuck up though my parents wouldn't have had to send me away. I always cause everyone trouble, just like the kids at school say. I'm worthless and a stupid fat, ugly fag. I try to push the thoughts away before I break down in front of Harry, that's the last thing I need. My mind goes to my blade tucked safely away in my backpack, the itch becomes apparent. I need it to help me get these thoughts away..... I didn't realise I was so deep in my thoughts and Harry's voice startles me.

"Louis.......listen kiddo" Harry starts and sighs.

He leads me to the bed and sits me down next to him.

"I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am that I just left and didn't keep in contact. It was selfish of me and I am so sorry.... You deserved better than that. I want you to know though I'm here now, I'm not going anywhere. I'm really happy you are here and so are the boys, I want us to become close again" he tells me seriously.

I don't know how to react to his words, the cynical side of me says he is lying and just trying to be nice because he has too. The other part of me though believes him, I'm not used to anyone caring about me besides my mums so to have someone else say something like that makes me sceptical. I look Harry in the eyes and see nothing but warmth and security. I sigh, my thoughts are just to much right now. I'm nothing and I need to remember that.

"Thanks, I guess but it's okay...I understand why you left and didn't call" I tell him.

I know he left because I disgust him and I'm too much of a fuck up.

"You do?" He asks surprised.

"Yeah, you don't like that I'm gay, it's okay no one does" I say quietly.

"What?......Louis, no, that's not why I.....no" he says and he seems angry.

He reaches out for me but I think he is about to hit me and I flinch away, he retracts immediately and furrows his eyebrows.

"I wasn't going to hurt you Lou, are you....okay...I'm sorry" he says.

I feel like utter shit, I'm such a dickhead, Harry is upset at me already and I've only been here half an hour.

"I just.....I want to be alone" I say shakily. I need to cut the urge is getting to much.

"Okay Lou, your bathroom is in there, I will call you when dinner is ready okay, come find one of us if you need something" he tells me gently.

He up and leaves the room and closes the door. The tears come then and I can't help but break. I scramble to the bathroom with my box and close and lock the door. I roll up my sleeve and hurry to take my bracelets off my right wrist, the cuts on my left arm are too fresh and sore to cut on again. I bring the blade down harshly on my wrist five times.

you're worthless
Harry hates you
The boys hate you
You're fat and ugly
No one will ever ever love you.

I sob as I watch the blood drop off my arm into the sink. I must have cut a bit deep as the blood makes its way to my grey jumper and starts soaking in. I take it off and wrap it around my wrist to stop the bleeding. I look in the mirror and see that my body is thinner, my ribs stick out more. It's not that I'm trying to loose weight, I just don't want to eat. My body is littered with bruises from the bullies at school. I can't say I'm not happy that I won't have to endure the torment from my bullies for the next three months. Maybe my body will get to heal completely before school goes back.

I decide to take a shower and chuck my clothes in the laundry hamper next to the shower. I make a mental note to wash my own clothes so the boys won't see my blood stained shirts. I get blood on them a lot, cuts reopen and I need to be careful here. It's easy at home as I do my own washing and mum and Anne work a lot so I don't really have much trouble hiding things. Here though, there will always be someone around.