Nothing Like A Good Girl

The Break Up

Two weeks had past and each day I became more and more distant from Stephen. I no longer had the desire to keep up the charade that I was still in love with him. Every day that I spent away from Rashad made me wish that I wasn't such a coward to break things off with Stephen. For days I've been trying to find a way to end things with him but every scenario I thought of always led to an argument or worse.

Although I haven't seen Rashad since our lunch date we've been communicating through text. Which is awkward even for us because I am normally always at his place, but recently he told me that he doesn't want to see me. He basically gave me an ultimatum to break things off with Stephen and for the life of me I am struggling to find the words to do so.

A part of me just wished that Stephen would rip the band-aid off himself and save me for this nightmare but unfortunately he hasn't. Even after its clear that he's cheated me and I've fallen out of love with him he still finds a way to love me. He still wants to save our relationship even though I am perfectly fine letting it slip through the cracks. But is that wrong of me? To actually want out? I mean I've been wanting out of this relationship for a while now, so why am I struggling to leave?

Ever fiber in my body rejects Stephen but my mind can't seem to let go. My emotions aren't there but the thought of guilt haunting me forever makes me shiver to my core. The thought of possibly hurting him, although he's planted his seed else where still holds me back. For a girl whose so ready to let go of it all it's so hard to shake him.

I can't lie and say that this whole situation doesn't have me feeling unlike myself. Getting a taste of having Rashad out of my life has left me so bitter. Life isn't the same without him. My attitude is  shitty, I'm super emotional, and I can't seem to focus on my studies without being distracted by the thought of never seeing Rashad again.

I've spent so many nights crying myself to sleep and at this point I'm sick of it all. I am sick of myself. I am sick of feeling bad for wanting what I want. For craving who I want. I deserve happiness, so why am I so afraid to have it? I know what kind of man Rashad is and what I'll be allowing into my life if I let him in, but I am not afraid to be open. I'm not afraid to love him.

So I have to do this. I have to break things off with Stephen. If I don't and I risk losing Rashad for good, I don't think I'll ever be able to find anyone like him.

________

After doing a little cleaning around my room I decided to call Stephen and finally have our talk. I've come to terms with the consequences and I'm ready to face them. Plus, I can't do another day away from Rashad. I have went long enough feeling sorry for myself, but most of all I've went to long without seeing him. I get it now and I'm ready to deal with it all.

As I was on my way to his room I began to reminisce on the laughs that we shared. How happy we use to be. At one point we were madly in love and crazy about one another. There was not one day that we didn't spend together. My parents adored him and his parents loved me. In everyone's eyes for so long we were the perfect couple. Hell even relationship goals.

We took trips together, experienced out spiritual journeys together, seen each other at our lowest, dealt with loses together, and kept secretes that we promised to take to our graves. We had endless conversations about or future and even considered marriage. Stephen and I had it all mapped out, yet we never thought that we would end up here.

We use to float on the cloud of love but everything has changed and my feelings have changed. I have fallen in love with another man and I can't possibly imagine life without him. My relationship has slowly fallen into Rashad's hands and I am okay with that. I know what I have to do.