Remember My Mistakes

12. Deserve

Caged.

Locked away with no way out. With metal bars surrounding you. Your only way out is the small door in the front, but it's locked, and you don't have the key.

Alone.

Your left there. Not one person, presence, soul. Nothing around to save you. You have nobody but yourself. You wish you had another person with you, but there's no one is sight. Your mind tells you your alone. You have no way to stop it.

Broken.

Your broken inside. Your breaking into tiny pieces. Your like a jigsaw puzzle, with some of the pieces missing. No matter how hard you try, you'll never be complete. Your falling apart.

Falling.

That's how I feel right now. That I'm falling and I don't know when I'm going to land. IF I land. I can just feel my life is just falling, slipping through my fingers. Just falling endlessly.

Endlessly........

I woke up to a slight tap on my shoulder. I begin to open my eyes, and see Brett with three runs of ice cream. "They didn't have the kind you usual eat, you know Neapolitan. So I just bought the three flavours separately. Shouldn't be too much of a difference...." He explained, as if his actions would be good enough. But they were.

I grabbed the runs from his hands, our skin brushing up against each other. I intended eating the tubs of ice cream. All three of them. I looked up and saw Brett's eyes full of sympathy. He pity's me. I hate it when someone feels such feelings towards me. I looked at him, and spoke, voice hoarse. "Please don't pity me...." He shook his head. Yep, he was.

I looked at the ice cream and looked back at him. "Want to join me?" I asked him. My cheeks were burning from all the crying. I had a terrible headache, and my cheeks were soaked. Brett shrugged. "What the heck." He muttered, and sat down besides me. He handed me a spoon and kept his own in his hand.

I leaned on his broad shoulder and ate the ice cream. I ate wayyyyyyy to much. Every so often, I would feel Brett wipe my eyes dry, he read my mind.

He grabbed the long, but thin blanket and covered me up as if I was a little baby. Honestly, I didn't care. I felt like a baby, since I was crying so much. So what? I'm actually real happy m, in Brett's arms. He was like a big teddy bear that you could hug into whenever you wanted. He was big and tough on the outside, but all warm and soft on the inside. He was MY teddy bear.

"We'll fix things with Chase after..." He spoke softly, as he threaded his long fingers through my dark, knotted hair. Then my eyes went fuzzy, another dream. Another memory. Perfect, just what I need.....liar.

**Flashback**

"Mom, I messed up! I mess up bad!" I yelled throughout the house as I slammed the door behind me. Mom came out with a potato in one hand and a peeler in the other. She wore a pink apron that had "best mom ever!" Written on it. Her hair pulled up in a messy bun, and her pants were rolled up to her knees.

"What's wrong, baby?" She asked, setting the potato and peeler down on the nearest table. "Chase....he...he's" mom ran over and hugged me tightly. I wrapped my arms around her and cried into her shoulder. "I know baby, he's gone, but he'll be back."

I pulled away from her and said, "Mom he hates me! He hates me! He hates me!" I could feel myself shaking uncontrollably. I knew I messed up, but now I can't even apologize because he's gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

"How did you mess up baby?" Mother asked and a calm tone. I wiped away the annoying tears there were rolled down my cheeks. "I said an awful thing! Just awful! Now he doesn't want to see me ever again!" I began to cry some more. Harder than ever.

Mother just stood there, unable to comfort me because whenever she tried I would push away s f say, "I don't deserve your love." And it was true. I didn't. Chase deserves it, he deserves more than what he's given. I don't know why I didn't see this before.

Now I won't see him, ever. I lost him for sure this time. He lost. And he's one of those people who won't show up in the lost and found box.

*****

Cara? Brett tapped me on the shoulder. I shine my head crazily and totally forgot about my monstrous headache until AFTER I should it. "Uhhhhh.." I groaned. I hate crying but I deserve it. I deserve to feel like this. This problem wouldn't of happened if I was a better person. I started this problem. I AM the problem.

Why didn't I see that before. I'm one walking problem, that just won't go away. Is that how every else sees me? A problem? And if they do, I deserve to be thought of that way.

"Brett?" I asked, "Am I a problem?" He looked at me as if I was growing a second head. "Of course not! Why would you think such awful things?" He sounded irritated, but concerned at the same time. Then he smirked at me ......... Devilishly. Oh-no.

The hand that was once on my leg, slid down to my leg. He held onto my leg firmly, and then he yanked. Making me sink into the couch. He placed his arms on either side of my head.

"You will never be a problem to me or to any one else, understand?" He said. Unable to control my body, in nodded my head yes. He leaned his head in closer to mine, our lips only inches apart. He was teasing me. "Brett..." I breathed. He placed a finger on my lips. "Shhhh..." He shushed. Then replaced his finger with his lips.

I felt all my pain -

Regret

Sorrow.

It all washed away when he kissed me. I knew he was like my safe haven from it all. However, I knew when he pulls away, I will no longer well this pleasant feeling. Only the horrid feeling led I felt only moments ago. Even though I deserve to feel the pain instead of the pleasure.

I deserve to feel all this excruciating pain.