Keys to Happiness

22. Aliah

For the first time since we'd been together, the silence between us wasn't a wholly comfortable one. As KiBum held me, I couldn't help but think of what had just happened. I wasn't hurt that he wanted to know what was going on, but I was confused about my own feelings. The angry and injured me that I'd been when the breakup with Marcus was still fresh had come back with a vengeance, along with the new embarrassment of having to tell KiBum all about it.

I had thought that I was over it, but in reality maybe I hadn't been. And that look of pain I had seen in KiBum's face as I told him about my ex kept replaying over and over again in my head. I had never imagined that my past would come up like this. I'd hoped that it wouldn't matter but I had been naive and now things had turned somewhat sour.

KiBum held on to me for a long while, both of us seeming to need the touch of the other. I could feel him trembling and I knew our first fight had affected him deeply. As he let me go, a look of grim determination graced his face and I could tell that our conversation was long from over.
The passionate moment from earlier was completely ruined, and he didn't stop me as I walked into my bedroom to put on a robe. I came back into the living room and gave KiBum a small smile, feeling more vulnerable in front of him than I ever had before. I sat down on the far edge of the couch, unconsciously keeping my distance as I played with my fingers.

"Aliah, come sit closer. I think we need to talk." His voice was gentle but still I started at the words.

Fighting down the inherent panic that comes to anyone's mind when their partner says that phrase, I scooted closer. Not wasting any time, he grasped my hands in his own, and gave me an intense look, the seriousness of it looking out of place on his usually happy face.

"I know that we haven't been together long, and maybe things went faster than I should have let them. But I was excited to be with you, too excited to get to know you like I should have. Because I was greedy about wanting you, there were things we didn't know about each other."

"Aliah, I don't want there to be secrets between us; I want you to be comfortable with telling me anything. I know that explaining the story between you and your ex was difficult for you and if I could go back in time I wouldn't have forced you to tell me that way."

I shook my head at him, knowing my discomfort hadn't been because of his questions.

"It's not your fault, it's just that I was embarrassed. I made a bad choice with a guy and I ended up starting my whole life again because of it. I was too weak to stay in America so I moved here. If that call had never come, I'm not sure I would've told you any time soon," I told him softly.

"That's exactly what I mean, I want us to have full disclosure. I know things like your favorite color or your favorite food, but I should know more. How we think and how we feel makes up a person; I want to know you on that level."

I shook my head again, this time letting a small laugh bubble out of me.

"Sweetie, that type of knowing can only come from years of being with someone, and even then you might not know everything."

"Nado ara, I know but I think we can start today. You told me something personal, so I want to do the same for you."

"Personal huh?" I said while coming closer to him, interested in spite of myself.

"Yeah, something that I was embarrassed about and didn't want people to know. I've never told anyone the whole story before, but I want you to understand me a little better."

"Then tell me, I'll listen." This wasn't the KiBum I knew, or the Key he showed in more serious broadcasts. I was almost frightened of what he would tell me, but I squeezed his hand in my own and he began.

"When I was younger, my parents lived with myself and Halmoni, but they were always so busy with work and that made it almost impossible for us to spend time together as a family. I was young and I took their absence to mean that they didn't care about me. It made me feel alone and unimportant as a child, but as I got older I found myself becoming more and more depressed. I went through some very difficult times going into middle school... and I found that hurting myself made the other pain go away." KiBum's voice was unwavering as he looked down at our intertwined hands, his eyes dry.

As he spoke slowly and clearly, aching hit my own chest hard and I knew where this story was going; I was scared to hear the result.

"KiBum," I whispered, "this is so much more personal than what I shared. You don't have to tell me if it's hard for you."

"I want you to know," he said simply and I couldn't do anything but nod for him to continue as tears welled up in my eyes. He spoke calmly and deliberately as he told me of the razors he'd found in his parent's bathroom, of the first time he had cut himself and the release he'd felt. I knew that this was about more than just becoming closer; KiBum wanted me to accept who he was and who he had been, I couldn't do anything less than what he had done for me. And so I listened, even though he broke me a little more with each word.

"I did it in places where my Halmoni wouldn't notice, under my clothes or on my thighs. I actually thought I was dealing with my issues in a good way. I wasn't hurting anyone and I didn't want to kill myself, so this was perfect. I couldn't imagine therapy or talking about my feelings to someone else; it isn't exactly encouraged in Korea. I probably would've kept it up if my mom hadn't come home unexpectedly one day. She caught me while I was putting cream on one of my scars and when she saw the others, she totally lost it."

"I have never before or since heard her yell like that. She was crying and for the first time I felt like I had done something terrible. It wasn't until she told me that I should be loving and not harming myself, that I realized what I had done wrong. I saw a counselor for a little while after that, but since then I've never felt the need to start again. But I wanted you to know that I understand what it's like to be damaged, to put the blame on yourself when others do things to you. You weren't weak Aliah, you were just being human."

The tears had been falling for a while now, and even though KiBum told me he was better now, I still felt for the child he had been. He wiped my tears with his fingers and kissed my cheeks as my sobs became only small hiccups. He pulled me into a hug and tightened his arms around me.

"You know the thing that I cherish most about you?" he said while talking into my hair. "I feel blessed that I have someone who will cry for me."

A/N: Poor Key! Although this story isn't true the fact that Key admitted to cutting in his childhood is very real. I think that most us of can relate to these feelings of depression so please be respectful! Part 2 coming up next! :)